Gorbachev, Ceauşescu, Bush and the pope are flying on an airplane when the engines fail. The pilot cries desperately to the passengers…
Pilot: “We have to abandon the plane, we are going to crash, but we only have 4 parachutes for the 5 of us! One of us will not be able to jump”
Gorbachev jumps up and takes a parachute..
Gorbachev: “I must save myself, I am the Soviet Union’s president… Da svidanya!”.
And he jumps out…
Bush: “I gotta go, fellaz, ’cause I’m the president of the United States… Bye!”
He takes the second parachute and jumps…
Ceauşescu, the pope and the pilot remain with only 2 more parachutes.
Ceauşescu (famous for his low i.q.) takes another parachute…
Ceauşescu: “I am the “Brain of the World”, the most intelligent genius in the World, I must jump out! You go to hell! La revedere!”
The pope and the pilot are left.
The pope: “My son, you take the last the parachute, I give myself to the hands of God. Good luck son!”
The pilot: “No, father, don’t worry! We can both jump out, we have 2 parachutes! The “World’s Brain” jumped out with my lunch box!”
Fidel Castro is suffering of insomnia. He goes to his doctor and complains.
Castro: “I cannot sleep, no matter what I do! What should I do?”
Doctor: “Try reading your own speeches”
Nixon, Brezhnev and Napoleon meet in hell.
They’re all unsatisfied about the lives that they’ve lived and are arguing about how it could have been.
Stalin: “If I had an aircraft carrier in 1944, I would have occupied the whole Europe”
Napoleon: “If I had just one Apache helicopter, I would have smashed the British fleet at Waterloo!”
Nixon: “That’s nothin’! If I had a propaganda newspaper like the Pravda, no-one would have found out about Watergate!”
Romanian Communist dictator, Nicolae Ceauşescu makes an official visit to the Soviet Union. He meets president Mikhail Gorbachev and his foreign affairs minister, the Georgian Eduard Shevardnadze.
Gorbachev is very proud of Shevardnadze. And he’s trying to prove this fact to Ceauşescu.
Gorbachev: “He’s the smartest man working for me, he’s the most intelligent foreign affairs minister in the World!”.
Gorbachev puts Shevardnadze to the test, asking him: “Shevardnadze! Who’s your mother’s son and is not brother with you?”.
Shevardnadze replies fast without hesitation: “Shevardnadze!”.
Ceauşescu returns home, to Romania. He meets his foreign affairs minister, Dăscălescu and puts him to the test…
Ceauşescu: “Who’s your mother’s son and is not brother with you?”.
Dăscălescu: “Let me check that boss! I’ll call the state security service, right now!” and he picks up the phone, starts dialing…
But Ceauşescu grabs his arm and shouts at him: “Shevardnadze! You idiot!”
2 Romanian communist politicians are walking on an empty field…
Communist #1: “Whooa, my God! Jesus! What huge grainfield! Wow! My God!”
Communist #2: “There’s no grain field here you idiot!”
Communist #1: “…and is there a God?”
Finally, an interview between Larry King and Fidel Castro is arranged, but only in Havanna, isolated between four walls and filming is forbidden.
When Larry King flies back to the CNN studio, he’s asked by his boss: “So, what did you ask him, Larry?”
Larry King:“I couldn’t ask him anything, he kept on talking for 24 hours like a radio”
On Cows and Government
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. “Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.”
“And what is a queue?” the capitalist asked.
“And what is a sausage?” the communist asked.