On that day volleyball competitions were on in Naidupalem. All district level players were coming for this competition. It was not an official event but, everyone was excited about them. It was a three-day event. There was a festive spirit in the village.
“Sandeep annayya’s team will win. I got the puja done in the temple for this,” Sarojini said confidently. For three days all other work came to a standstill. Even food was prepared and served in the ground for all. I liked this spirit and that everyone was participating with a unity of spirit and eating at one place without any discrimination. It was a great stress reliever for people always steeped in work. Even the youngsters who came from outside mingled freely.
When we were all in grandfather’s house I said to Sandeep, “This is not fair… male domination…are all the games and competitions for you only? Not a single game for girls? Should they remain in the house like prisoners?” I intended my taunt at one person specifically.
Sandeep immediately agreed, “That is true! Next time we will have some events for girls too!”
Avinash was sitting there and talking to grandmother, “Um… first write the name of the person who is suggesting this! The games should be long jump, dice game kothi kommochchi*…” As he looked at me sideways there was a smile on every face there.
I said in irritation, “In fact I can play that! Try and see if there are any events for people who sit in a chair in front of the system twenty four hours, like the avatars of Buddha can play.” I walked out of the room with that! Why should he try to talk to me? I was so angry that I walked to the ground alone on my own.
Matches were being played in keen competitions. Some of the teams were very strong. In the Naidupalem team Sandeep and another fellow were playing well. Two people had to retire hurt in Sandeep’s team. I felt bad to see the tension in Sandeep’s face. He should win somehow… what to do now? Who will replace the retired players? Amidst the tension there was a sudden outpouring of claps.
I looked keenly to see Avinash entering into Sandeep’s team. I stared, my mouth agape. He showed me a thumbs-up sign and smiled. I averted my face. He tied his shoelace and wore the T shirt. “How can anyone think that they can play simply because they are tall?” I said to the lady by my side. “I don’t know! Only, I want our village honour to be upheld.” she said indifferently.
“And he was standing in the centre, forget about our winning!” I said again.
The game started. Avinash took to serving. He identified the weak place in the opposite team. In a split second the ball zoomed past him. The player on the opposite team could not face it and fell flat on the ground. Naidupalem team got its point. After three consecutive volleys the service broke. There was wide applause all around.
It was my turn to be surprised again. Meanwhile Avinash could not pick up the ball from the other team. His face turned red in anger. ‘See, he still cannot control his ego and anger’ I thought to myself. Then I heard Avinash shouting to the player “Good shot!” Wow! Avinash praising others! I stared in wonder! He was all over the field, playing with great gusto and contributed immensely to the victory of his team.
He was sweating a lot and was terribly tired. I am sure he had not physically strained so much in the recent past. Both the grandparents went to him and served him with a cheerfully. Yet, he looked around, his eyes searching for someone. I quietly left the place.
I went to grandfather’s place to discuss the accounts of the school with him. Grandmother was in the kitchen. It looked like Sandeep had gone out somewhere. I was about to enter grandfather’s room when I heard my name from inside and stopped in my tracks. I knew it is not polite to hear other people’s conversations. Some kind of curiosity…I could hear Avinash’s voice. Tatayya was talking to him about me. What was that? I heard grandfather’s voice “Do you want me to talk to Ramya?”
“No, tatayya! I want to be free now!” Avinash’s voice was full of anxiety. But I felt insulted by what he was saying. He doesn’t know that I was also craving for freedom, more so for that matter! I turned away to go back, and then stopped again.
“Tatayya! Though I am now thirty-one years old, I must go back sixteen or seventeen years. I must begin at the point where I lost my life! I will live freely according to my tastes again! No one will force me to do this and that, no?” he was asking in fear.
“No, nothing of that sort will be there now. You live in whatever manner you like! Live your life in freedom.” grandfather was saying.
“Then, can I be naughty?” Avinash asked.
“What type of naughtiness?” tatayya asked again controlling his laughter.
“Like teasing girls!” said Avinash. How shameless!
“Why? Haven’t you ever done it before?” tatayya’s voice again
“No! Never! When I was in intermediate, one girl used to give me good competition in studies. I used to feel like pulling her duppatta. All my friends encouraged me. But I thought I should not entertain such thoughts, instead I should think about studies. So I never had the chance again!”
“Okay, now whose pallu do you want to pull?” he asked
Silence for a while!
“I want to fall in love, tatayya!”
“With whom?” again grandfather asked.
“You know!” Avinash was laughing.
“I want to get closer to her by falling in love afresh. First I must chase her, tease her, and say ‘I love you’ to her. I want to hear her say it too! Fights, and then getting together again… I want to be a teenager again! I don’t want to miss anything this time!”
Oho, now he wants to become a show boy at this age! Who is this girl that both of them know. I went back to grandmother in anger and frustration.
“When did you come?” she asked.
“Just now.” I said taking over the work in her hand.
“Then why are you looking like that?” She asked again.
“I am fine. Don’t you want to marry off your grandson?” I asked her all of a sudden.
“He is not of the age now. He is just twenty four. We can do that after three-four years.” She replied.
“Not that one!”
“Then, who else?”
“The older one!” I said in anger.
She burst out laughing, “Why don’t you go and ask him? He will give you the correct answer!” she said.
“Why should I bother about people who have nothing to do with me!” I said
Avinash, in the meantime, came and stood by the kitchen door. I wanted to leave but was scared that he would not allow me to go.
I felt a strange hesitation in looking into his face. “Ammamma, What are you saying about asking someone something? Who is it about?” he asked her.
‘Should I tell him?’ grandmother looked at me. “Ammamma, I will make a move now!” I said turning towards the wall.
“If she is ammamma to me she cannot be the same to you! Why do you also call her ammamma?” Avinash asked me this time.
“That is my wish. She is ammamma to the entire village. Ammamma, please tell him that he has no right to address me in singular[11].”
“Okay, what to do, nannamma? I will change my address to you! Also tell her I will address her plural in hereafter!”
I stood there. Avinash did not move. I felt suffocated there.
“Nannamma, what are you making today?” He came and stood by my side talking to her.
“Ramya is doing the cooking today. So ask her!” grandmother told him.
“Okay! We are finished then! I will go and eat somewhere outside today!” he acted as if he was running away.
“It is so easy to find fault! If one cooks, one knows how difficult it is to cook.” I said.
“Well! Ammamma, sorry nannamma! Give me that gourd.” He took the knife too from her and looked at the gourd cruelly. Sarojini and Sandeep too arrived there by that time. All the people who help ammamma stood by Avinash to support him. He was all over the kitchen making lunch for all of us with great excitement, throwing the kitchen in complete disarray. I stood by and watched the whole show seething with anger.
“Annayya, Your pulusu is superb. I never tasted anything so tasty before!” Sandeep complimented him. Avinash’s face was bursting with joy. He looked at me proudly. I came out of the kitchen impatiently. They are all one family. Even Sandeep cannot be on my side. Naturally, he would be on his brother’s side only, I thought.
I sat in the outside veranda. I was feeling restless. It was Avinash who made all the mistakes but no one seemed to be thinking about it. Now he acted as if he has changed and everybody believed him enjoying his company. I felt left out.
‘If he comes here leaving his career and pretends that he had changed what would he gain? How would it help him?’ I asked myself this question repeatedly. ‘He wants to love someone now! Who would he fall in love with now?’ In some corner of my heart, jealousy started raising its ugly head. I was surprised at myself.
**** **** ****
Mana badi, our School started functioning successfully now. Ninety five percent of the children were coming to the school regularly. I was trying to make it hundred per cent. The children were also responding positively to my concept of universal education. Our approach in adopting the syllabus and implementing it was to not create any undue pressure on them, as a result they were all coming to school with enthusiasm. Even when they were afflicted with minor ailments like cough and cold they were coming to school as they were worried they would miss some fun. They did not care for our suggestion of staying at home and taking rest. Sandeep and I used to teach them. Grandfather would come now and then and take practical lessons on modern methods of agriculture and creating curiosity in them.
We wanted a computer teacher for higher classes and advertised in the newspaper. The ad specified all the necessary conditions for working in our school, so limited applications had come. Avinash’s was one of them. I showed the application to grandfather. “You just conduct the interview setting aside all your personal reservations about candidates. Let the best person get the job. We don’t have to bother about their past.” he advised.
I was scared at the thought of conducting an interview for Avinash. Six people, including Avinash, attended the interview that day. I felt exhausted as I interviewed them all one after the other. Three of them came as they did not get a job anywhere. One girl showed an attitude-after all a village like this… what interview could we take of her ability. However, her knowledge was sound. One of them set pre-conditions for me to employ him.
Avinash came at the end dressed very neatly. I thought he would taunt me there also and was worried how to tackle it if he did so. But he dispelled all my fears by wishing me politely as soon as he entered. I looked for signs of contempt and found none. As he continued to stand I was surprised and requested him to be seated. He thanked me before taking his chair. I felt awkward to ask his name and qualifications. I asked him to tell us what kind of syllabus should be included at class 8th level without creating any pressure on their abilities. He explained in fluent English his idea and I could understand he was taking stock of his answer periodically while talking to us.
I requested him to explain one topic on the black board. He again rose to the occasion and in a beautiful hand he wrote his idea. While he was speaking in English I reminded him that he had to keep in mind the constraints of the Telugu medium students. He then started explaining in Telugu. His Telugu was okay too, but faltered when he had to translate technical words. I thought to myself that even I would have faced the same difficulty, which brought a smile to my face. The interview went for almost half an hour. As the head of the school I felt that we need people like him. He was so refined in his behaviour too.
That evening there was a phone call from grandfather to enquire about the result, “Tatayya, are you trying to recommend?” I asked in mild anger.
“No, it’s just that he is very keen to teach for two-three hours every day. He might get his old liveliness back if he spends some time with children.” He tried to explain to me.
‘Even now grandfather and grandson talk of girls, what more liveliness he wants now?’ I thought to myself. “No other alternative tatayya, others are nowhere near him! We have to offer the position to him only.”
He responded proudly, “I know how intelligent my grandson is!” I lost my voice for a minute. “You are happy they are with you, paving the way for their future, no?” I asked him.
“Yes, I am very lucky! Can anyone else feel the same, tell me?”
“Yes, but what about my in-laws, their parents?” I could not help asking, though I felt I should not spoil his happiness. He could not answer me.
“Please forgive me!” I apologised for asking the question.
“It is okay! You are not wrong in asking this question! The younger one went there after many years. They did not express any happiness; neither did they show any affection. They just spoke a few dry words as a matter of courtesy. Avinash too did not say anything as he was neck deep in troubles. Now-a-days I see Sandeep feels lonely all the time. He asked the other day, ‘do you think mummy dislikes me?’ He is able to solve many problems in life but, he is dying for his mother’s attention and affection. My daughter and son-in-law think that Sandeep ruined his life. Now added to this, Avinash is also here! You are here! And this is contributing to their further animosity. They think we are spoiling your lives. But we want you all to rebuild your lives in the way you like. You are witness to it. There was never any force here. We only encourage your efforts. They will decide where they want to stay after retirement. You people also can think. The issue is not where you stayed and for how long. It is what you gained in life by staying here.” grandfather explained.
“One day they will understand tatayya! How long can they live in that concrete jungle. They will surely come in search of their children when their life becomes unbearably lonely for them!” I said consoling him.
“That is my hope too! I want to live to see your entire family living together happily.” I kept silent.
**** **** ****
That night all of us were having dinner at grandmother’s place. She called us as it had been a long time since we all ate together. There were about twenty-five people in all. Sarojini went early to help her. Keerthi was playing in the garden and I was sitting in the veranda watching her. I saw Avinash coming towards our house from a distance. My eyes opened wide in surprise. He entered the house by opening the gate and went straight to Keerthi in the garden. He was shaking with a lot emotion. I was not looking at him, I was looking at my daughter.
She was suddenly taken aback on seeing him. Avinash opened his arms wide. She came running to me. She started shaking me vigorously uttering ‘Amma! Nanna…, nanna, amma…!’ I looked at her in wonder. As I did not respond she went back and ran into his arms. He hugged her close to his heart. She hugged him holding him like a lizard.
Is he trying to take my daughter away from me? I suddenly got very possessive and shouted at him, “This is my house. You can’t enter it without my permission and pick her up. Just get away from her.”
He suddenly came into his senses from his deep absorption and looked at me in confusion.
“Put her down” I told him again. He turned red with anger. Keerthi was looking at us alternatively, in fear. I had tried very hard all these days that she should not meet him. I saw to it she would never have occasion to go to places where there is the remotest chance of his being there. He destroyed all that with one gesture. He put her down and told her to go inside in a soft voice. She went in looking at us both.
“She is my daughter! I have as much right to her as you have. Don’t ever think of hiding her from me. I patiently bore all this till now. I am not bothered about you. But you can’t stop her from coming to me.” He left the house after that.
I sat there feeling extremely helpless. Sarojini came within half an hour. “Avinash babu sent me to bring the baby.” They do not know the actual details, though they now have an idea that something went wrong between us and we were staying separate. They never exhibited any curiosity. Sarojini simply gave Keerthi a bath and took her along with her. I did not know what to do, so I sat there silently.
“It is six o’clock! You also come quickly.” she told me before leaving. I felt lonely and sad. I sat there in the darkness without even turning on the light. The moon seemed to be sympathising with me as there was plenty of moonlight that night.
It was seven thirty in the night and I still sat there in the same position. I saw Sandeep coming towards the house. I remember tatayya telling me about Sandeep’s loneliness. Both of us had the same loneliness- lack of affection. He wasn’t getting it from his parents. I was not getting it from my husband. That was the only difference. “Why are you sitting here alone, when everybody is enjoying themselves there, ma?” he asked.
Whenever I see this friend of mine I feel very happy. Without showing any signs of it, I said, “Then, why did you come leaving all that enjoyment?”
I thought he would cut some joke and try to change my mood. He simply smiled at me and leaned back on his elbows sadly and started searching the sky for something.
This Sandeep was totally new. Old Sandeep always appeared to be bursting with energy caused by some excitement, some joy or even anger if it was the old Sandeep. Now he looked different more sober. “What happened?” I asked with concern.
“Nothing” he nodded his head in denial.
“Any problems?” I asked again.
“When were they not there?” he replied.
“What then!”
“I feel something is missing in life!”
“What do you lack? You have everything in life and everyone cares for you!” As I said that I understood his grief. Everyone feels the need for parental affection. If there is any deficiency there, the children feel the brunt of it. Still he got the affection of his grandparents and his own individual strength that helped him to bear this loss. Now when he thinks of his parents he feels the loss, no doubt.
“Are you remembering attayya and mamayya?”
He smiled weakly. He shrugged away his thoughts by turning his face away. There was silence for a while.
Is money more important for them than me and my happiness?” So much agony in his voice! I felt very heavy in my heart. How can they leave such an affectionate and caring son? How silly of my in-laws?
“They have seen the world around them and thought that it is a great aim in life! If one sells off all the property and invests it on children one can get the abundant returns. Your brother proved it right. You chose the path you liked. Money is dictating the natural bonds of affection. You need to have a lot of understanding of life in order to conquer this attraction for money. Luckily you have that understanding.”
“One thing is definite. No one can be happy having these anxieties, running after money, and competing with others for long. We have to decide for ourselves, what kind of challenges satisfy us, and what struggles give us contentment in life. Once that wisdom dawns, no one would stay for long in that quagmire. They come out of it.” I said with confidence.
“Like my brother?” he asked in anticipation. I felt disappointed at that. I couldn’t think of anything that is a sweet memory as far as Avinash was concerned. I felt like I had been introduced to a stranger. I did not feel as if I had met my long-lost love whom I would want to embrace once again. I smiled at Sandeep and his anxiety for my welfare. His face shone in the light of the moon. “You will have all the affection you are craving for in life.” He nodded as if in affirmation of an absolute faith in my words.
“You have chosen a path, and you are working hard for your development, and for that of those around you. What else do you want? Tell me about yourself. Are you happy with what you have in life today?”
“Hundred per cent!” he said with pride and his face shone bright.
“It is important that we should like what we are doing. Then you must love the companion you choose in life. As you are not married yet, do not compromise on anything! Choose someone you love as your partner. The vacuum you feel now will get filled up then. By that time even attayya might change. Then there will be more happiness in your life. So start hunting for a partner in life. You can get married in two years time.”
He was smiling to himself as I said these words. “Is there someone already?” I asked curiously.
“Without your knowledge..? Anyway falling in love is, in itself, an art. All of us may not be equipped with it.”
I laughed aloud at that. “The way you have moulded yourself, having an understanding about the problems of life, having sensitivity to other’s feelings, to choose the way of life that satisfies you, what art can be greater than this? You know the art of living! Isn’t that enough?” I complimented him. He bowed his head in modesty.
By the time we reached there, Grandfather’s house was very noisy. The arrangements for dinner were being made in the ground outside. Many people were absorbed in conversation, standing all over the veranda. Grandmother was moving around busily.
“Why are you so late?” She asked as soon as she saw me. I did not know what to say.
Okay, do whatever you like. Don’t feel any reservations. Spend time happily!” she told me before moving away.
Sandeep told me to sit and disappeared from there. I looked around. I felt someone’s piercing glance on me and turned around to find Avinash on the steps of the portico, with Keerthi swinging on his back. He had a naughty look on his face. I had never had this kind of experience before, even in the early days of our marriage, as all bonding between us was only mechanical. My heart skipped a beat as if I had stepped on to the threshold of my youth once again.
I put on the mask of anger on my face and stood a little distance from them. He was sending messages to me from there. He said he wanted to fall in love with someone, tease her, and chase her! Was it me by any chance?
I started sweating at the very thought. To fall in love – what a nice thought it was! I looked at him sideways. He smiled at me pushing back the hair from his forehead. I got up and took the Sambar bucket from Sarojini’s hand and occupied myself in serving food. After a while I noticed a shadow behind me. There he was, like a clock tower, tall and imposing!
“You must do it fast! How can you be so slow?” he said. I put the bucket back on the table and sat in the place I occupied earlier. Everyone was happy and experiencing the joy of the moment. I sat there with a heart that was still and silent. I could not understand whether it was happiness, fear, sorrow or pain that was causing this strange silence and heaviness in my heart. My heart urged me to look for him but my eyes were waiting for permission from my mind. They were giving signals that they would go ahead and search for him even if I didn’t give the permission. I located him he was talking to someone but his eyes were searching for someone else. I looked keenly at him. Avinash seemed to have changed. He had learned to talk to people with a smiling countenance. Now he probably knew how important it is to be polite – What courses in communication skills taught him this now? What one should learn from life is packed in the course content that one teaches in the class rooms. People learn to use them only in practical classes! Ayyo! How painful it is not to be able to smile spontaneously? I was surrounded by thoughts of my yester years again.
“Amma…” my daughter came to me now with a new found happiness which seemed to be overwhelming her. She was jumping with joy, like a fish in water and her chubby cheeks were full with her smile. “What is it, dear?” I asked her hugging her close to my heart.
“Are you not going to have your meal?” she asked in all sweetness.
“I will, but after a while!” I replied.
“Not after some time! Come now, please. Nanna is also calling you! We have not eaten so far waiting for you. Do you know that?” she pulled my hand. She would not let go. I got up because I could not refuse her.
As soon as I sat Avinash came and sat next to me. Keerthi occupied the seat on one side and now Avinash this side. I could not get up from there. The chairs were so close that our shoulders kept brushing each other’s while eating. It was a new experience. My willing heart was expressing its unwillingness outwardly. His elbow close to my hand after such a long gap… we were close after a considerably long time… no, in fact it was the first time. Now he was a total stranger to me. He was talking to someone on the other side and his voice drifted towards me in soft and deep tones.
I must say all this change in him was new to me. How did he manage to get out of the net of his narrow-minded attitude and illusionary world? All along I had a better understanding of life all these days. I had always tried to look at the positive side of his world view, which I did not at all like. For his sake I had tried though I was against it all the time. But for Avinash, his parents, and his circle of friends, there was only one dream; it was of the same luxurious wealthy world. His education gave him that wealth, name, fame and status. But it failed to equip him not only with ethical values, but also did not give him any sensitivity towards human relationships and an awareness of their value in life. He never learned these things either in life or through education.
That is why, he who rose to the heights like a huge wave, also broke like one! He seemed to be making an effort to collect himself now. Whether he would succeed or not time will tell.
“I feel I can sit with you here like this as long as you want it, but you know all others have gone and I think we should get up and wash now” said Avinash softly bringing me out of my reverie.
I came back to the reality around me. My daughter was clapping her hands and was laughing at us. That is how childhood should be! Like a waterfall! She missed many things so far due to this friction between us. I got up to wash my hand.
As I saw her buoyant mood, my worry that he would snatch her away from me reduced considerably. People were sitting close to their friends and acquaintances and chatting. Sandeep and Avinash were with their grandmother. Sandeep called me there. My daughter of course would not leave me. So I went and sat with them
“You have reduced quite a bit. Is it due to work pressure?” ammamma asked me. Avinash suddenly looked up and sized me up keenly. Where was this attention all these days, I wondered to myself? Then Avinash burst out singing an old film song – the pretty girl looks beautiful even after slimming down – chakkanamma chikkina andame – not to the tune but was singing to the tune he had invented. I got irritated and sat turning my face away from them all.
“Ammamma, look for a nice marriageable girl!”
“Amma, he wants a nice girl, look for one!” Keerthi asked climbing on me. “That is the only thing lacking now. You go and play.” I said in irritation.
“For whom?” ammamma queried.
“Not for me! There is a long process involved in my selection of a girl. So if anyone is worried it is for me, I say there is no need to worry.” He was showing as if he was ignoring me but the comment was so obviously directed at me.
‘Am I worried? I am least bothered! I don’t even want to look at his face.’ I firmly sat without looking in his direction.
“Should you not consider getting Sandeep married?” He asked. I looked at Sandeep with a smile.
“Annayya, please don’t make me the sacrificial goat! I can look for a girl for myself. No one should take that responsibility!” he said running away from there. Grandmother too had gone as grandfather was calling her. We remained there confronting each other.
I tried to get up. But his eyes made me immobile. There was moonshine drenching us. I thought he would say something, apologise for his past behaviour, or how long are we to live separately; so that I can wash away my anger which was bottled up inside – eating into me. But he did not show any such inclination. He simply stood looking at me like an infatuated teenager. He went back a few years.
Avinash was clearly starting at the point where I lost him. Suddenly there was a realisation in me that he was reliving the days of his early youth. As if in reflex my mind went to back to my early youth. The experiences thus far unexpressed started creating waves in my mind.
I could see his sense of wonder at his new experience and I was lost in his absorption. I could imagine how I would appear to him in my total absorption in the observation of his new sensitivities. He did not utter a single word. I could not move an inch from there.
“I must go now.” I said reluctantly. He smiled at me in joy. He leaned back on his elbows and started looking at the stars.
“Can you go now?” he asked. I could hear the hidden meaning in that question.
“How do you think I went all these days?” I couldn’t help saying it. It was as if I had dropped a dot of poison in his pitcher of nectar. His eyes closed as if he was trying to shut off those aspects of life which he did not want to remember. He was so happy all this while. Did I spoil his mood? I began to worry in my mind. He opened his eyes. And he smiled again as if he brushed aside this bitterness. He won in his challenge that he would win me over. I was happy in my defeat.
The clock struck 11 p.m; I started home with my daughter. I did not look back into those eyes that were embracing me with great love. I was afraid I would really not be able to go.
**** **** ****