After Avinash came into the village there was an increase in the use of computers. Things were now easier with this facility. We were not using computers either for games, entertainment or passing time. We were using it for self-advancement. We were able to save time too.
On that day Sarojini was sick. I took her to the health centre in the village. The entire compound was green and clean; it appeared as if the surroundings in themselves would cure half of the human ailment. The health assistant examined her and said it was nothing but some viral fever and there was no need to worry.
We met Avinash as were returning from there. He was looking slightly weak. But there was fresh life, joy and naughtiness on his face as soon as he saw me. “Avinash babu is also suffering from fever,” Sarojini told me in a low tone. My walk slowed down automatically. Sarojini noticed it “you talk to him and come! I will go ahead,” she whispered in my ear and had gone. He also slowed down. He looked a bit tired but otherwise active. He came and stood before me taking one step after another, slowly. “It is ten days, twelve hours and twenty-five minutes!” he said looking into my eyes.
I looked at him in confusion. He smiled, “I had seen you ten days, twelve hours and twenty-five minute ago,” he recited again in a soft tone.
There was a fresh onset of spring in my heart. He was actually counting hours and minutes to see me. I liked the very idea but hid my feeling by turning around to look at the greenery around. He looked at me for a while and started to go with a sigh.
“Avinash!” I called out to him quickly. He looked back at me in joy. “Are you having fever? Did you take any medicine?” I asked like a child reciting a lesson.
“Yes, thank you!” his voice reflected his joy. Again there was silence as if time had drawn a curtain between us. He was hesitating to talk to me. But I wanted the first move to come from him.
“I have to actually review my life once! Will you help me please.” he requested. “Please!” he said again as if he was scared I would refuse. I nodded my head in affirmation.
“Let us go into the garden!” he suggested.
“Okay, first go and get your check up done. We can sit and talk then,” I replied.
He went into the health centre and I sat on a bench outside, thinking of my past and the changes that had come into my life. I had my life in my hands and the freedom to make my own decisions now, and that was a comfortable feeling. The decisions I had taken lately had come out of the wisdom I had acquired from my experiences. That gave me greater confidence in myself. Now what was he going to tell me? What confession will he unfold before me? They must have definitely come from his own past related to his behavioural patterns in later life. I sat thinking while I waited for him.
Avinash came within fifteen minutes and said “Shall we go?” We moved into the park. As we were walking on the road side by side, the elders who saw us together nodded their approval. We looked at each other and smiled to ourselves. As we crossed the milk booth we saw Sandeep. He opened his mouth in surprise when he saw us together. It is difficult to put in words the happiness that reflected on his face. He showed me a thumb up sign. We reached the garden with new feelings like new flowers brightening our path. It was very pleasant, cool and the air was full of fragrance.
“Shall we sit here?” he pointed a green area. I nodded my agreement and sat on the lawn and he also sat a few paces away from me.
We sat admiring the surroundings for ten minutes. Engaged in our own thoughts, we sat silently.
“I feel I have realised what peace of mind is after a long time” Avinash said in a strange voice.
“How have you been doing?” he asked me suddenly.
“Here life is so quiet and peaceful.” I told him honestly.
“Don’t you have any dissatisfaction with life?” he asked anxiously.
I began to review myself for an answer. “My life used to be like a colourful rainbow till the day I got married. I used to revel in the dreams of a prospective husband. I did not ask anything extra from life. I just hoped for a life where one can live a life full of love and understanding; and respecting each other’s freedom. I never got that from my life after marriage.”
“When I actually resigned myself to a life of vacuum and was in that nothingness, Sandeep, though much younger to me in life, appeared with a maturity and helped me. I would not have rebuilt myself without his help and cooperation. Now I am happy again.”
“If it comes to a question of dissatisfaction – it is there somewhere, in some corner pricking my heart. But the atmosphere here and the aims of people have made my personal pain irrelevant and meaningless.” I told him frankly, all that was going through my mind.
Throughout the time I was speaking I kept watching the changing colours on his face. He appeared sad, “All these sorrows are due to me only, no?” he said in a heavy tone. I did not say anything as both of us knew the answer to that.
“Yes, after coming here I am also surprised at the changes that are occurring in me. I have never experienced such satisfaction in life before. Money, status, recognition, and comforts have not given me this happiness. The priorities change depending on the perspective of the individual. Now you are so valuable to me in life, but in those days you were just a machine that could earn money.”
“It is not just me. Many people around me looked at things like that in those days. They were all hunting for beautiful girls with an Engineering or M.Sc degree. Such a person can earn thousands along with us. I also married you for the same reason. But my temperament was not like that from the beginning. Not only me all of us are made to be like that but were not like that by nature.”
“During the crucial period of my life, at the time of character formation you do not know the pressures I was subjected to. If you have to understand me, you should know my experiences and feelings… everything! You should hear it all! Would you be able to understand?” he asked in a helpless voice.
Avinash was then talking, the fact that he was keen on sharing his inner thoughts honestly with me, surprised me no end. In fact, it made me happy, but I did not show my feelings.
“I will try to understand” I assured him.
“I used to be a good student from the beginning. Maths and Science were my favourite subjects. I also used to like sports very much. I used to allot more time to play than to my studies. We used to live in a village in those days. My mother used to be a teacher in my school. My father used to go to work in the nearby town on his scooter every day. There was a lot of age difference between Sandeep and me so we used to live in two different worlds.”
“After returning from school every day, disregarding my mother’s calls I used to run out to play to a nearby ground and keep playing till late in the night even after nightfall. Nobody used to bother about my long hours of play or the amount of running around I used to do as I was always ahead of everyone in studies.”
”As soon as vacations were declared, I used to play all the time and come home only for eating and sleeping. With all my friends I used to swim in the village pond and play in the fields and the whole night was ours to enjoy. We never used to have any jealousies or hatred towards anyone. I used to be helpful to others. Even during the exams if I knew the answer I would generously give it to all the people sitting before me and behind me. All our friends used to be in one group and we shared our joys and disappointments with each other all the time. There used to be a healthy give and take between us, all the time.”
“Time should have stopped there. But it never happens that way.” He said, his eyes sparkling with memories of his childhood.
I was truly surprised to know that Avinash used to be very naughty in his childhood. Was Avinash so naughty in his early childhood? Then who had snuffed out this joy? Who had stolen his childhood’s joy from him? I looked at him curiously.
“I still remember that day- the day the first seed for a change of values was sown in my life; the day the weight of expectation was placed on my tender shoulders; the day my freedom was effectively buried and sealed in a tomb. We were all playing in the ground after the ninth class results were declared. My father sent someone to call me home. I was so engrossed in playing I ignored it the first time. There was a second call. I went home reluctantly.
When I went home I saw my parents sitting in the chairs in the veranda along with two other guests. My mother introduced me to them proudly, ‘my elder son Avinash!’
They looked at me keenly and smiled.
I did not know who they were and why they were there. They asked a number of questions on my studies. As I replied promptly to all of them I sensed m parent’s pride in me. I felt happy that I could give them that pleasure.
They tested me in all subjects and satisfied themselves. They told my parents, “We will give free coaching, accommodation, books. Not only that, if he successfully gets state rank for us we will give you the amount we promised earlier.”
“I did not understand what he said at the end but I realised that they were happy with my performance and in recognition of that were promising me free education. I felt proud of myself. I felt great that they chose me amongst so many other students in our class.”
“They told me so many things about my future that my parents were carried to the seventh heaven. Those were the moments that made me the foundation for their golden dreams. They told me to join in one week and the training would start in the summer vacations. The next seven days passed like seven minutes. Wherever I went I got appreciation from every one. They used to show me to their children and tell them they should be studious like me. Even my friends started looking at me with new respect. My playing was automatically reduced and I kept talking about this all the time. But when the time to join the hostel came I was scared. I did not want to leave my village and my friends. ‘I will join after the holidays, nanna!’ I pleaded. He felt I said something unforgivable and scolded me to not say it again. I took leave of everyone and joined the hostel.”
“Initially I was very homesick as I had never stayed away from my parents. I was afraid to stay with so many hundreds of students who were strangers to me.”
“Most of them were like me reticent, reserved, and diffident of each other. I had four roommates. I tried to be friendly, but they did not mix as freely. I did not have close friends, I did not play any games and there was no laughter at all.
Classes too were conducted in a serious atmosphere. The teachers if they cut jokes while teaching immediately used to become very serious as if they had committed a mistake. We used to study for twelve hours in a day with classes and study hours put together. I used to study hard as I was angry with everyone. I got first rank in the first unit test. I stood first even in IIT coaching class.”
“Tenth exam results were declared. I secured fourth rank in the state. I was very happy. There was a festive atmosphere in school and at home. My photo was flashed in all newspapers and TV channels. I got drenched in the rain of congratulatory messages, with special recognition accorded wherever I went.”
“Then amma and nanna did not delay any further. Amma quit her job; nanna got himself transferred to Hyderabad. Many colleges tried to enlist me because of my rank. We shifted to Hyderabad. We took a house close to college. Because I got a rank for our school I was given Rs 50,000 as gift. They were all happy that I started earning from my fifteenth year onwards. What I did not realise at that time was that I had turned into a commodity and there was a business flourishing at my cost.”
“A corporate Junior College offered to give free coaching in intermediate for IIT and in addition to that a sum of 50,000 for joining their college. Now my parents’ total focus was on me. I began to be overwhelmed by the sudden name I acquired and overburdened by the new goal and the responsibility it entailed.”
“The lecturers and tutors in the college used to treat students very inhumanly. There were more state rankers in our college in addition to me. There were others who were bright, but they did not get any ranks. There used to be keen competition in studies and great pressure that I found difficult to cope with.
Sometimes I would feel like running away from all this. Then I would think of the hopes my parents had on me, also I used to be scared of losing my rank.”
“We used to have class rooms with hierarchies like J1, J2, J3 and so on, depending on the standard and calibre of the student. There was always demand for J1 class and a keen competition to enrol in that class. Had you just relaxed for one day someone else would grab your place. So everyone used to be very alert.”
“Every other intelligent boy in your class is your enemy. In my class all my classmates were unfortunately my enemies.
Now when I think of the way we were brainwashed by our counsellors, my blood boils even today. One can be called and considered human being only if they go in for engineering or medicine. Your life is a waste if you cannot get a seat in these courses. Other courses were practically useless. These things were drilled into our minds constantly. We heard these sermons at a time we were supposed to acquire a character, learn real values. After a while we started believing in all this. For me my sole aim was to get a seat in IIT. The very thought of not getting a seat in IIT used to make me sweat profusely.”
“But I used to fall sick frequently. I was unable to relish food, and get frequent headaches. I developed poor eyesight, and started wearing thick glasses. Also, I would often forget what I studied. I could not remember anything during exam time. My maths became weaker. As a result my rank fell to seventh in quarterly exams and my percentage declined.”
“I can never forget that one day in my life. I was already depressed that I got low marks. I went for lunch along with others. I sat in front of my plate and ate two fistfuls when our teacher in charge came there. His eyes turned red as soon as he saw me there. He did not even think that I was having my lunch, he dragged me into the centre of the hall and started beating and kicking me.”
“With what face can you eat food after getting such poor marks in the quarterly? Did you not feel any sense of shame that you could come and have lunch normally with others? One should have a sense of self esteem if one has any conscience! We should always have a goal and a desire to achieve that goal. If you study like this, the day is not far off when you will be on the streets.” His words were like thunderbolts.”
“I was never punished like that so far in my life! I felt humiliated. Then I understood that we should give the appearance of sorrow and act as if we are ashamed in order to escape punishments. Then they will themselves call us for food or send it to our rooms. With my experience, all the others became alert and started studying hard.”
“My parents used to come and counsel me during the break time. That actually never gave me any reassurance but scared me even more. Now if I think, I feel I was treated like a buffalo that turns the wheel to extract oil. The college invested its money on me so I should beget a rank for the college at any cost. Since my parents had given birth to me and spent so much on my education I should study and earn money for them in return to make them happy. No one thought of my happiness and what I wanted to have in life.”
“During this period of conflict one girl in J2 section hung herself to death in our college. We were all terribly scared. The college blamed the parents for her suicide and got the case closed claiming that some family disputes were the reason behind her death. Many of us knew that she was unable to cope with the pressure of study there.”
“I started getting depressed; the thought that occurred to me constantly was that I too would die like her one day. I must not die, I must face life boldly, I told myself! In order to live boldly the only option for me is to get the rank. That became my sole aim. Honestly, I studied in order to be able to live.”
“In this process I became hard-hearted and ruthless. I forgot all finer sentiments and sensibilities. There was a new drive to crush everyone else. Everyone was happy with this change in me. I began to get first rank in all exams and not only that I was even getting cent per cent marks in all subjects. I was the front runner in the IIT batch too. Everyone started feeling confident that I would definitely get a rank in IIT examination.”
“Intermediate examinations were over. I did quite well. Amma got special pujas performed at home on the day of the IIT examination. Even today I remember the conversation between me and my mother.”
“Answer all questions carefully without any tension,” she said a hundredth time. I just nodded my head for everything she said. I did not have any other tension but one question was bugging me and I did not know how to ask it. “What is it?” my mother asked me looking at my faltering words. I thought if I clear that doubt I could write the exam with a free mindset. “Amma! If I don’t get the seat…?” I asked in great trepidation.”
“My mother was shocked. There were tears in her eyes immediately. Her face turned red. She could not stand and suddenly sat in her chair. Nanna scolded me for raising the topic at that time. They did not understand that it was a question of life and death for me. I was going through a compelling anger on someone I did not understand. My mother came to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘All my hopes are on you. Please do not crush my dreams.’ I was almost on the verge of crying, but controlled myself. Nanna scolded both of us. As expected, I did well in the entrance exam and secured ninth rank at all India level and second at the state level.”
“All my conflicts vanished afterwards. I proved to myself how great and intelligent I was by this success. I got this recognition due to my study only. My school, my college, my parents were all thus far the subjects of my hatred but from then onwards I started worshipping them.”
“Even my education at IIT was full of pressure. There was pressure in professional life too. Though I got a good career I never dreamed of going abroad. I was sure I could earn money by staying within the country. Again I wanted to take the decision after marriage after taking into consideration my future partner’s area of interest.”
“You know the rest of the story. I did not understand the value of marriage in life and married you so thoughtlessly, lived with you so mechanically! My intelligence, my education and my abilities – none could give me an understanding of life in real terms.” He wiped his moist eyes with a kerchief.
His face was extremely heavy with all those memories and the weight of the recall. I can now say I understood him to a large extent. We lived together for a long time. But he never opened his heart to me like this earlier. The clouds that blinded my vision have cleared too, with this opening up. I felt light in heart and melted at the thought of all the conflicts he had gone through. He was looking at me waiting for my reaction. He looked like a student who anxiously awaits his exam result.
I can visualize our happy time together like a golden future. He should re-live all his lost youth before we get together again. Like him many software engineers too must have lost so much of their childhood, the play, the affections and the attention; and must be spending mechanical and unromantic lives with their partners. The sweetest thing between couples is this sweet romance which they can cherish all their lives, but is money overpowering this very natural attraction?
Fortunately we woke up while we are still young. We have learnt how to live for ourselves and how to think for others. There may be conflicts and differences in this kind of life too. But we will fight these together and that is the satisfaction we have now.
|I got up patting Avinash on his hand lightly. He thanked me with his eyes as if he understood my response. Now we do not need words to understand each other.
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