The four days that Avinash stayed were quite hectic. He would work on his computer even when he was with me. He would focus all the time on the projects, deadlines and his work while eating and talking to me. It is going to be very difficult this way. I was worried.
One day he was working while eating dinner with a spoon “When one is combing hair, the focus should be on the comb.” I quoted a popular saying.
He looked at me. There was a shadow of anger in his eyes. ‘Then you sit at home the whole day combing your hair.” His lips twisted downwards in mockery. I was shocked not just at his words but also at the tone. How did he learn to speak with so much sarcasm?
He saw the light in my eyes dimming. I thought he would pacify me. But he did not. He sat unmoving with an air of satisfaction in his posture; as if he felt I deserved it.
I reasoned with myself that I too should not have spoken like that. I should have affectionately told him to focus on eating, without quoting the proverb.
Even amma and nanna must have observed him at home. I could see they were getting worried. I just smiled to myself, “Nanna, are you worried to send me to my in-law’s house?” I asked, and nanna immediately became normal.
“Why should I be afraid? The boy is bright, earning well and is a good fellow. We are happy, as everyone is complimenting us on this alliance.”
Before my marriage, I was teaching Electronics in a private PG Engineering College in Hyderabad. I was quite happy with my job. I enjoyed sharing my knowledge with the students and the affection they showered on me. I wished to continue working there as my college was close to Avinash’s work place.
“But I feel sad to go away leaving you people, Vizag, and the sea” I said.
“You call us whenever you feel like seeing us. We will come immediately,” mother said.
“But don’t ask us to bring the sea. We can’t.” nanna laughed.
The day of departure to Hyderabad was fast approaching Amma prepared the saare[3], We booked railway tickets for the three of us. It seems nanna[4] called up my mother-in-law and told her about our programme. It seems she didn’t say much, just gave her consent.
That night Avinash called me up and said “I booked a flight ticket for you. Come on your own.”
“How is that possible? All the things that amma prepared, and amma and nanna…?”
“Which time and age are you living in – talking like a grandmother…!” Avinash said with irritation.
“What will your mother and everyone think if I come just like that without any saare?”
“No one will think anything! My mother told me herself,” he said.
I did not know what to say and gave the phone to my father.
“How can we send Ramya all alone…?” My father started to say something. But as he listened he decided to compromise.
“I believe Avinash will take you from here.” my father said. Doesn’t it really mean he was telling my parents that they were not welcome to his home or was it that he did not want to trouble them, I did not understand, so I kept quiet.
Avinash came on the morning of the day I was to start for Hyderabad. We were to take the evening flight. He told me to pack only my expensive saris and my jewellery. True, how can I take anything else on a flight?
Amma and nanna came to the airport to see me off. All three of us had tears in our eyes. Avinash noticed it. He put his arm around my shoulders and told my father, “I will take good care of your daughter. Don’t worry, uncle.”
They were happy on hearing these words. “Just see how much strain your stubbornness causes me. One day’s leave is wasted and the flight charges too” He started as soon as we boarded the flight.
“It is not me. You are the stubborn one!” I retorted.
He looked at me smiling. “For the past four days I have been thinking only about you,” he said in a casual tone looking the other side. Why couldn’t he say that looking at me, I thought? We reached Hyderabad.
I was anxious about the elaborate customs on a bride’s arrival, the welcome aarti, crossing the threshold with the right foot in first. But to my relief, there was no such welcome. My mother-in-law came as soon as she heard the noise of our arrival. I greeted her with folded hands.
She came to me smiling and asked, “How are you?” “I am fine.” I replied.
“Keep the luggage in your room.” She instructed me, pointing to the room. As I went in, I saw Avinash getting ready. I looked at him questioningly.
He left in a hurry saying, “I will go to the office and come”
“Will you be back soon?” I was worried.
“Umm…, Controlling me from now itself?” laughing he said bye and left.
I didn’t know whether to sit in the hall or go back to my room. I was just standing in the centre of the room, when the maid came and told me to go to the dining hall for tea. I followed her. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law Sandeep were already there having their tea and snacks. Sandeep stood up as he saw me and asked “ Vadina[5], how are you? When did you come?”
“Just half an hour back!” I replied.
My mother-in-law made tea for me. “I do not know your taste. For today have this tea and from tomorrow you can have whatever you want.”
“It is okay. Anything is fine with me,” I said.
There was silence all around.
There was a strange seriousness in the atmosphere… I did not like it. “Sandeep, how is your preparation going on?” I asked. He was suddenly alert and looked at me, unnerved.
“Sandeep,” my mother-in-law said in a warning tone.
“Okay” said Sandeep.
Avinash had mentioned to me that he was taking long-term coaching for medical entrance. He did not get through in the first attempt. He was trying hard this time.
While we were chatting my mother-in-law kept looking at her watch. I did not understand. Here was Sandeep, talking as if he had not talked for ages. My mother-in-law tried to get his attention by coughing, and clearing her throat. When that did not work, she called out to him, “Sandeep”
That’s it! Sandeep got up, went to his room and closed the door. I wondered at the despair and frustration on his face in that fraction of a second.
“For him every minute is valuable” My mother-in-law hinted to me. I nodded my head in agreement.
She went inside. I sat there not knowing what to do. She came out after a while, and told me ‘go to your room and rest for a while.’
I came back to my room. Within one hour of coming to this house, life seemed very mechanical. Everyone was behaving as if they were dolls fully keyed up; dancing and they were like actors duly playing out their roles on a stage. Then I thought it might be because this place was completely new to me. Maybe I would feel better when I got used to it. I must mingle freely with people. Confused and tired with these thoughts I fell asleep almost without realizing. I woke up startled, when I felt the brush of lips on my cheeks.
“Lazy girl, why are you sleeping at this hour?” Avinash was right there. I sat up and put my arms around his neck.
“What is the time?” I asked in a sleepy voice.
“Ten o’clock. Everyone is waiting for us at the dining table”.
I felt ashamed of myself. I got up hurriedly, had my bath and went to the dining hall. My father-in-law was also there. He asked me, “How is everyone at home?” I nodded my head to say everyone was fine. Sandeep was holding a book in one hand and a spoon in the other hand with which he was eating his food. As soon as he saw me he smiled from behind his book. I smiled back.
My mother-in-law noticed it and became a little serious. It is very difficult this way, I thought.
“Avinash, Look for a house nearer to your office. In my opinion, better take an apartment.” she said. Avinash nodded his head. I looked at both of them alternately and understood that she was suggesting that we should have a separate establishment.
I thought of the traditions of our families and the advantages of joint families and said “Why should it be so? Let us all stay together. I can adjust with everyone. I will help you in running this house.” As I went on and on all of them stared at me like statues.
Avinash tapped my knee from under the table and said in a whisper, gritting his teeth “Stupid, shut up!”
“We should stay together in our joys and sorrows. Also I don’t want anyone to say that as soon as I entered the house I split the house. Even if it is not about this talk…I continued to talk and when I turned my head I noticed Avinash was staring at me angrily. Both my in-laws were looking at me strangely. Sandeep was smiling secretly.
Then I understood I had said something wrong. But I didn’t know what mistake I had made.
After that I finished my dinner silently. I came back to the room. After a while Avinash came in and hugged me tightly.
“I don’t want it!” I struggled to free myself.
“Why” he asked. I went and lay down on the bed angrily.
“My God! Are you angry?” He looked at the clock. It was going to be 11 o’clock.
“You called me stupid there!”
“Oh, that! Then what else could I have done? When amma was talking about a house for us what were you talking?”
“What did I say that was so wrong?” I asked angrily.
“On the one hand amma and nanna were tense as there has been no progress in Sandeep’s studies. He did not make it in the first attempt. If he doesn’t get it this time what would happen to his life? Have you thought about it? As it is, a lot of time was wasted due to our marriage activities. That is why amma thought of all these things and told us to shift. You did not think of these things and kept on talking something or the other. They must have really felt bad.” Avinash said in a tone of irritation and I just stared at him.
I felt very sorry for Sandeep.
“Did you also study like this?” I asked him pitifully.
“I worked harder than this. Sandeep lacks concentration” He said in disappointment.
“Let it go. It is not as if only those who study medicine are great.”
“What! It is okay if you say such things to me. Don’t say these things to amma. She cannot tolerate… He must get a rank this time in medicine,” he said emphatically!
Two days passed for me, it was like being imprisoned.
“I saw one house close to the office. We will shift tomorrow. Today you go and buy all the things we need and tell the transporters to send them to the house. They will take care of all the arrangements for you.” Avinash gave me his credit card.
I looked at it in great confusion.
We should be going together to buy things for the new house. The debates about things necessary and unnecessary, the little arguments – talking, fighting, arguing…it would be so much fun.
“What, will you go?” he asked again.
“Alone?” I asked.
“Why, does this queen need a fleet of maids and servants?” his sarcasm again.
“There is no need, I will go myself. I called my colleague and she came on her scooty.
Both of us went to buy the things we would need. Meanwhile, Avinash himself called two-three times and gave suggestions on what should be bought and at what price range.
His hand was a very generous one and we ended up spending quite a lot of money.
“You are truly lucky” My colleague said.
The definition of luck changes from person to person, I sighed deeply. It took me a week to set the house in order. Avinash constantly complained that I was wasting a lot of time.
I did not pay attention. I arranged the house the way I like it. I like flowering plants. Since it was an apartment I had to satisfy myself with potted plants.
Eventually, he must have thought there is no point in giving me any more time. So he asked me, “Now tell me. What plans have you made for your career?”
“What is there to plan? I have a job, I will continue. Already our principal is making call after call.” I said.
“What job?” he displayed shock and surprise. He started swinging in his chair to and fro… and burst out laughing, holding his stomach.
When he laughs like that his teeth sparkle, his hair falls on his forehead and his cheeks and ears turn red – I looked at him and thought fondly, ‘my husband is quite handsome.’
“Hey, Ramya, sorry pantulamma (teacherji)! In which job you want to continue?” he asked controlling his laughter.
“In my lecturer’s job” I answered with dignity, confidence, and a sense of pride.
“How much is your salary?” He asked again mockingly.
“It is eight thousand five hundred.” I replied
“Just enough for our house rent.”
“Then let’s change to a smaller apartment”
“You must always aim to grow in life, not slide down,” he said firmly.
I had tears in my eyes at these words. I bent my head lower so as not to show my tears and said, “What should I do then?”
“You resign that job; learn computers. Everybody is doing it now-a-days. After you gain some grip over it you can enter the field. I am trying to shift to another company with a better salary. Both of us can join the same place. There are a lot of advantages if wife and husband work in the same place,” he said thoughtfully
“I’m not interested in computers. We don’t work for salaries alone. There is something called job satisfaction too. I like the work I am doing. They said they will increase my salary.” I tried to convince him.
“Ramya, you must think a little more responsibly. How long can you get on with this ten or fifteen thousand salary? We have so many burdens. My parents have taken so much trouble to bring me up and give me this education. I must build a house for them. We must get money ready for Sandeep’s technical course. Then we will have our own children, their education and increasing family expenditure. In this competitive world if we are a little bit complacent, we will lag behind. People will go forward leaving us behind. We must be alert all the time.” As Avinash continued I had a sinking sensation in my heart.
“Let’s not join the race. Let us live our lives on our own terms with peace of mind” I said.
His eyes became red as soon as he heard my words. He got up and kicked his chair with great force. The chair fell back with an explosive sound.
“Can you not understand? Is that your head or a lump of clay? Don’t make me angry” he showed his finger in anger and left the room.
My heart began to beat faster. Why did he react so violently? Should I not express my opinion especially when it concerns my career? Should he decide my career? I felt sad. More than that he was so angry, would he talk to me now? I walked towards the bedroom with a heavy heart.
He was lying with an elbow covering his eyes. I stood holding the door. “Avinash,” I called him tentatively. He did not reply, did not even move.
“Instead of me you should have married a computer or a girl who did computers.” I said with anger and sorrow. I could see his lips twisting in a smile from under his elbow, in reply to this.
I stood there stubbornly. Avinash sat on his elbows and looked at me with a smiling face. “Why should I marry that girl or this girl? You continue with your interesting job here. I will leave you and go abroad for three-four years to earn the money we need and come back.”
I jumped up with that and ran to him, “Leaving me behind?” “Yes!”
“Really, you mean you will go away?”
“What else should I do? You are not helping me fulfil our responsibilities. We must make compromises. There is no other option”
A kaleidoscope of painful images flashed in my eyes- me staying here alone and Avinash going away alone… just for money… No way!
“Where should I join here?” I asked weakly.
He hugged me happily. He immediately picked up his cell phone and spoke to the management of one computer institute. He assured me that I will get a grip on the subject in one year as I already have some experience in the field. I can always practice with his projects, there is no problem there.
I started going to the institute. I made a resolution before joining – since I have chosen this as my career – I must work hard and prove myself even though I am not very interested in this field.
That day I was in a hurry getting ready to go to the Computer Institute. Avinash had already gone at 9 o’clock. I had started going for computer classes between ten and two in the afternoon. Then I would come home and practice, otherwise Avinash would get angry.
I was hurriedly plaiting my hair when the door bell rang. I put a rubber band on my hair to the part that I plaited and opened the door. Surprise! I found Sandeep standing at the door. Six feet tall just like his brother; his eyes still have some child-like innocence. But, unlike his brother, a naughty boy’s smile plays on his face. “Vadina! Can I come in?” He asked hesitantly.
“Arre! Why? Sandeep, come in!” I invited him into the house and showed him the sofa. He sat on the edge of the sofa, leaning forward.
I was surprised at his visit. My attayya felt it was a waste of time when I spoke to him for fifteen minutes. Now would she keep quiet if he wastes his time visiting me like this?
At this time he was supposed to be in college. Does attayya[6] know that he had come here? There was hardly a month’s time for his entrance exam.
“Didn’t you go to college today?” I asked him. He turned pale. What happened to Sandeep?
“Is there any problem?” I asked. “No” he said.
Have you had your breakfast” I asked again. “Umm…” he replied in affirmative
I did not know what else to say. He noticed that I was getting ready to go out. “Are you going out?” he asked me
“I joined a computer Institute. I have to go at 10 o’clock” I told him. There was disappointment on his face. “Do you have to go?” he asked hesitantly.
“What happened, Sandeep? Is there anything I can do?” I asked him with concern.
“Yes”
“What is it?” I asked with keen interest. He did not reply, just kept looking at his fingers. “Tell me” I asked softly.
“I want to just talk to someone.” He looked at me and said in a low tone.
“Why, have you been on a vow of silence in college and at home” I asked jocularly.
“Those…? They are not conversations” he said immediately, a little loudly. I was surprised. He said again “Anything but studies…?”
“This is not the time for you to enjoy. If you work hard now you will shine in studies. If you develop and settle in a good profession then you can really enjoy.” I tried to persuade him.
“I have been hearing these words thousand times right since my childhood. I am sick of these words,” he said tiredly.
“How can you say that? You should become a doctor…” He stopped me with a raised hand.
“I just don’t want to do M.B.B.S. This time also, I cannot score enough to get any rank.” he said firmly and clearly.
I was again surprised. Attayya, Mamayya, and particularly Avinash were banking on his getting a rank…, with high hopes. I am sure they would not dream of Sandeep talking like this.
“Did you tell them at home about this?”
“Many times! In fact I did not want to take Bi.P.C[7] in intermediate. I told them. I wanted to take MEC[8] and take commerce in graduation and later go for MBA or CA for post graduation. Nobody liked the idea. Just because my brother is an engineer, they said I should become a doctor. I cried a lot and tried to make them understand, but of no use. Mother…, my mother stopped eating. I was scolded all the time at home and everyone started preaching. So I had to agree.”
“Even if I do not like this course I am studying hard, but there are others in my class more meritorious than me. Merit at state level, I don’t stand a chance. It is all a waste- all this harassment! I cannot say anything to amma. Nanna and annayya[9] ! They are of the same bent of mind. For them I have to earn lot money by becoming a doctor. Only I know that I cannot and will not be able to become a doctor.”
I kept looking at him in surprise while he spoke. I never realized that he was going through so much agony. I did not know what to say to him.
I had never felt this kind of pressure when I was studying. I used to get reasonably good marks. I used to study with a happy disposition. My parents never put any pressure on me. Nanna would definitely look at my marks. But whatever the performance he would encourage me; never scold me for not getting marks. And he never spent this kind of money on my studies.
But both Avinash and Sandeep study under great pressure. Now how should I console Sandeep? Who should I support? While I was debating what I should do, Sandeep continued, “When I first saw you I felt you are my friend. I never could see friends either in my parents or in annayya. Today as I was taking the test there were some bit questions for which I did not know the answers. I got mad, angry at someone I do not know. I thought something will happen if I stay on there. I had a splitting headache. So I asked for sick leave. They gave me leave after one hour of procedures. I thought of telling them at home about my being on leave. Luckily, amma and nanna went out for a marriage.”
“They will be home by the time I go home. So I am free till 5 o’clock in the evening. No one to control my movements! My time is now, mine! I felt very happy. But I do not know whom to share this happiness with. I do not have any friends. Then I thought of you. The other day amma told me this address. So I came searching for your house. Can I stay here till evening?” he asked hesitantly.
My heart melted at his words. “Stay, Sandeep! It is as good as your house. You don’t have to ask.”
“Then… What about your institute?” he asked.
“Dumma! I will skip” I said happily.
“Thank you” he said with happiness written all over his face. We smiled at each other like comrades-in-crime.
In the evening when Avinash comes home may be he would take both of us to task. He would say that we were lazy and we do not have any concern for our careers.
“Vadina! We must plan these six hours as our happiest hours,” said Sandeep like the chairman of the planning committee. “Okay tell me! What should we do?”
“Let’s first cook.”
“I have already cooked!”
“Cooked? Already?” there was disappointment in his tone
“It is okay! I did not make any specials today. Since you have come we will make something different now.”
“Okay follow me then” he led the way like the ‘King of Kings’, His Highness! ‘The Emperor’! I followed him like the court jester who follows the king.
“Do you know how to cook?” I asked him.
“No, but it can’t be a difficult thing. Only you must follow the logic, that’s all! Just sit there and tell me how to cook. I will use my logic and cook!” he said.
Impressive! He followed my instructions and did a very good job. Vegetable fried rice was ready in twenty minutes.
“You are quite smart” I complimented him. He smiled proudly.
We came and sat in the hall. “Let’s play chess for a while.” I said.
He agreed. I brought the board. He set the board for both of us. I like outdoor games more. I was a champion in my school. Badminton, tennis, long jump, volley ball… what not? Those days are gone.” he said sadly.
“Doesn’t matter! You have a long life ahead of you” I consoled him. We played hard to win. I won both the games. He did not lose his smile and congratulated me heartily.
I played the songs of his choice on the CD player. He sat back and listened to them closing his eyes in a relaxed manner.
We had our lunch at one o’clock. He regaled me with jokes about his friends, his teachers, and at times at his own expense too. It was nice to watch his table manners. He did not just come and plonk himself in the chair. He helped me lay the table, arranged the plates and glasses, and then helped me serve the food. He ate neatly without leaving any food on his plate. Afterwards he washed his plate. I also did not object to his doing all these things.
“Now my mind is free, vadina! I will study for a while.” I had tears in my eyes as I watched him taking out his books. In fact, after a certain age we need not repeatedly tell our children what to do. They know their responsibilities well enough. We should not create an allergy to studies by telling them ten times.
“I have some computer work. Shall I do it?” I asked him.
“Sure vadina! Go ahead”
“I will finish this chapter in one hour. Can you finish your work in one hour?” there was a challenge in his tone. “Done!” I gave him a thumb up sign.
For the next forty five minutes we lost track of our surroundings. “Eureka!” I shouted in joy. As I looked up, I saw Sandeep, his book already closed in his lap, looking at me and the screen alternately. “What happened?” I asked. I finished my chapter in half an hour. I burst out laughing. He joined in my merriment.
I told Sandeep to sleep for half an hour and came to my bedroom as my eyes started burning. I dozed off without realizing and woke up at four o’clock. I hurried into the hall and saw Sandeep watching TV.
“Wash your face and come, tea is ready!” He said showing me the flask.
“Sorry! I slept like a log” I said apologetically.
It is okay. I also slept for half an hour, studied for another hour, made tea for us and started watching TV just now.
I washed my face and brought some snacks. Chatting we had our tea. When it was 4:15 Sandeep became dull. I felt very sorry for him.
“Prepare well, Sandeep! You do your effort. There should not be any lapse on your part. Whatever the result, stay balanced.” I said, consoling him.
He simply nodded his head. Time dragged for ten more minutes. Sandeep looked at the time. It was 4:30. He got up reluctantly and put all his books in his college bag.
“I always felt bad that I don’t have brothers, younger or older. Now I will regard you as my younger brother.” I told him patting his back.
Sandeep moved his head in negation. “These relationships and blood ties are all weights people place on my shoulders. Pch! Not anymore. I need friends, people who can understand me, people who will like me without any expectations. Only such friendships can instil a love for life in me. Can you be such a friend to me?” he asked expectantly with hope and sorrow. There were tears in his eyes.
I was deeply moved, “Sandeep! Don’t feel like that. Your parents are focusing too much on you as they are probably worried about your career. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. If you come up in life they will be happy and proud of you. Even if you have friends would they not tell you to study? If it comes to me, I will help you in every way I can. You share all your sorrows and conflicts with me. I will be your friend. My only concern is that you should be happy. Okay?”
“If I ever get time I will call you.” he said at the lift.
“Sure! I will also call attayya (her mother in law, his mother) and enquire about you. Don’t worry!”
The doors of the lift closed. Lift went down. He kept looking back as long he could see me. I was haunted for a long time by that innocent childlike face. The despair I saw in him at the last minute and his anger like that of a caged lion moved me to tears.
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