My parents kept hinting that they have not been invited to visit my new home. Their unhappiness could be sensed in the phone conversations. Even my parents-in-law who live in the same town came only once for an hour. If my parents come and if I spend time with them would Avinash keep quiet? He exploded when he came to know that I did not go to the institute on the day Sandeep came… he also flared up that Sandeep skipped classes. He did not listen even when I told him he did not go as he was quite unwell. According to him, whatever the condition Sandeep should study. I stopped him with great effort from calling his home to scold Sandeep. Even when I told him he studied here Avinash did not believe me.
I have seen many people who are diligent about their studies. But I have not seen any one who creates so much stress in the name of studies. Maybe I did not know as I did not have any deep friendship with anyone. Maybe everyone is like that.
Then I started observing people and realized…They all talk only about studies… college EAMCET, IIT, ranks… only these and nothing else, as the aim of life.
In today’s world education is business. Only commercial outlook is seen everywhere. People who teach as well as people who go to learn have all succumbed to crass commercialisation. These studies do not foster any human values in people; on the other hand they are causing a steep decline in values. Studies have become the means to amass money, more and more money!
Avinash and I differ vehemently in all these ideas. But he has this tendency to somehow or the other establishes his point. He doesn’t care for anyone else; I don’t think he feels the need to respect his wife’s views. Are all husbands like this…? I was so engrossed that I did not notice Avinash coming home.
‘What? Why are you always so preoccupied?’ He asked in irritation. Every time he comes home that is his tone, irritation. He could have asked me the same question with a smile on his face. I got up and served him dinner. Even while eating he is volatile, angry about something or someone. I did not know the reason for this anger, was it me or someone else. He brings home all the worries of his office. I used to tell him that he should forget his office worries when he comes home, but in vain.
After dinner I gave him a napkin to wipe his hand. He threw it on the sofa and said “After all what is he and what is his knowledge” as a beginning to a conversation.
“Who?” I asked relieved that his anger was not directed at me after all.
“There is one fellow in my office, my assistant.. He studied in a donation engineering college. What does he know to advise me!” he said still seething in anger.
Avinash is the leader of this project. He has four assistants working under him. One of them must have given him an advice today. “Why, is he not supposed to advise you?” I asked.
“He doesn’t have any manners. He should not give advice unless I ask for it. While I was on the system, he kept on telling me the programme shortcuts. Just wants to show off in front of everyone. Wants to tell everyone that our project leader is an idiot,” he said in anger.
I got worried, “What did you say, Avinash?”
“I told him, he should mind his own business,”
I did not like his answer. Why did you say that? If you praise him with dignity you don’t become small. He might have given you good tips and had you shown appreciation your leadership qualities would have shown in good light.”
“Yeah, I praise him, garland him and take him in a procession on my shoulders! Then he will gradually ride on my shoulders, step on my head, and suppress me. How can we grow if we do not suppress others and show them their place?”
I felt so irritated by his attitude. “Where would you be if your superiors think like that?”
He could not digest this question of mine. “It is my fault. I thought you know a little bit and tried to tell you. It is all my foolishness” He retired into the bedroom to sleep.
At times I get scared when I see Avinash’s attitude. Undoubtedly, he is very intelligent as far as education is concerned. But this intelligence alone cannot give him contentment in life. He should also have some worldly wise practical intelligence. If you do not have it, everything else is useless. Avinash is unable to realize this small fact. If I try to tell him, his ego comes in the way of accepting it. Just as I don’t like whatever he does maybe, he also doesn’t like whatever I do.
Are these the differences of opinion people talk about? How do we resolve these issues between husband and wife? I must be patient. Time alone can bring about a change in him. Career and money – these two alone would not make one happy. He will realize soon enough. When he does realize he cannot stand the emptiness in him. I must support him then.
But in the meantime, what if he brings about a change in me? I jumped at the thought. True, it can happen. As it is, now my wishes are never respected. I cannot even fulfil the small desire of seeing my parents. I have lately forgotten the basic duty of enquiring after their well being. Maybe I am also turning into a mechanical tool. I got scared and firmly resolved not to change, not to become like Avinash. I gave suggestions to myself by reliving all the values of my growing up years and told myself at any cost I must retain my human qualities.
**** **** ****
However busy I was I thought of Sandeep off and on during the day. Whenever I called home the phone was always received by either attayya or mamayya. If I asked for Sandeep they discouraged me by saying that he was studying. I used to request them to inform him of my calls but I was not sure if these messages were conveyed.
Sandeep also never called again. Uncle dropped him in college while going to office and picked him up on his way back from office. When can he actually call without their knowledge? Not just friends, even to talk to his annayya and vadina he needed permission. Maybe they told him it was all a waste of time.
So should he study twenty four hours in a day? He would get a break for fifteen minutes now and then. During that rest period he was instructed to close his eyes and refresh all that he had memorized earlier.
He told me that his entire time table was drawn by my mother-in-law. His menu was also decided by her. She only gave him food that would help keep his brain sharp. I consoled myself that he would get relief after EAMCET. One day when I was watering the plants the phone rang. “Vadina!” Sandeep’s voice! I was so happy to hear it, “Sandeepu, How are you?” I had tears in my eyes. There was silence on the other side.
“I am under great stress; I feel I cannot take the exams at all.” He was talking in a hurry.
“Isn’t attayya at home?”
“She has just gone for her bath. I am calling without her knowledge. Look at my plight!” he said piteously.
“It is okay! What is wrong in that? If you are under stress share it with attayya or mamayya.”
“I did that too!” he sounded dejected.
“What did they say?”
“They said I must look at my friends and feel ashamed of myself”
“Okay, leave it! We will plan a picnic as soon as your exam is over. Okay!” I tried to encourage him.
“What exams? I have many sets after EAMCET!” I did not know what to say.
“I can’t bear all this. I am feeling so dejected with life. I will put the phone down. Amma…” Suddenly he disconnected the phone.
I panicked. I did not console him properly. What is this pressure without actually realizing their son’s state of mind? I got very angry with my parents-in-law. There is no point in telling Avinash. I must meet Sandeep even if I cannot speak to him. If he meets other people, may be his spirits would lift. I thought quickly and took my cell phone and left the house. When I was nearing my in-law’s house I called up Avinash. “I came out for shopping. I am going to meet attayya. You come here for dinner directly from office.”
“Okay, just see if Sandeep is studying well! Don’t disturb any one there. I will tell amma that you are coming. Do the cooking bit yourself” He agreed without any fuss, must be in a good mood!
I reached their house in fifteen minutes. She greeted me with a beaming smile. After talking to her I eagerly looked at Sandeep’s room. The doors were closed. “Sandeep?” I asked hesitantly. “He is studying!” the usual reply. I was anxious as to how he is doing in the room. I told her to take rest and walked into the kitchen. As soon as I saw it I picked up the watermelon from the fridge. I got an idea. I quickly made juice and gave it to the maid to give it to Sandeep. Attayya enquired “what is it?” “Watermelon juice, attayya! Good for him. His brain must be tired with continuous study. This would cool his mind.” She kept quiet. The maid brought the empty glass back in five minutes.
“What is he doing? Did he drink it?” I asked anxiously.
“Yes, he drank it. What studies are these? I feel sorry for this boy. He did not even bother to look at what I gave him. Just drank it, gave the glass back and buried his head in the book again,” the maid said.
I was relieved. I cooked the curries after discussing with my mother-in-law. Then hesitantly I told her I would prepare vegetable biryani. “Why that spicy dish in this heat,” she countered.
“No, I won’t make it too spicy. Since it has all the vegetables, it is actually good for Sandeep” I said.
“Okay, do it! We think so much about him. But he doesn’t realize it. Constantly complains that he is not interested in all this and he cannot study. How can he get anywhere with this attitude? We did not have so many problems with the first one. He was much better. He would also complain but eventually listened to us. Now see, how well he is doing in his career.” She was saying softly and I listened to her.
Avinash came home at 9:30 pm. When we all started eating the maid was told to call Sandeep. As the maid was about to go, I said I would call him and went to his room.
The doors opened softly when I pushed. He was sitting back in his chair with eyes closed. The veins on his forehead were swollen and his face was haggard. He did not open his eyes at the sound. I was so moved I went to him and touched his forehead.
He opened his eyes quickly. He looked at me in a confused state. “Friend,” I called him affectionately. He suddenly realized I was actually there. There was first joy and then relief on his face, “When did you come? I did not know!” he was like a man who got a support while drowning at sea.
“I came soon after your phone call” I told him
“Did you send me the juice?” “Umm” I nodded.
“Had I known I would have studied with more energy these three hours” he said with regret.
I smiled at his innocence while he smiled at my smiling face.
“I came to wish you all the best. Don’t worry. Just write whatever you know. I will respect you, love you, with or without rank. All of us feel the same, not just me. Be happy. Let’s go! They are all waiting for us at dinner”. I walked out of his room.
He got up excitedly, followed me into the dining hall, washed his face near the sink and greeted his brother. Attayya tried to stop me but I started serving the dinner. Sandeep looked at me questioningly when I served vegetable fried rice. “I thought logically and made the dish.”I said. While attayya understood it one way, Sandeep smiled to himself.
Sandeep was deliberately eating in a leisurely manner. If he talks people might snub him so I went on cutting stupid jokes to keep up the conversation. Anyway I am known to be a chatter box. They were all putting up with my jokes and Sandeep was enjoying it all. That is exactly what I wanted. He should feel the relief. He should not talk of things like getting tired of life at such a young age. I wanted to reduce his stress to the extent I could.
“Do not keep yourself awake till very late in the night. Look at your eyes! At this rate you will get weak at the time of examination.” I started cautioning him while everyone was listening.
“If he eats properly there can be no weakness. He does not eat well’ attayya started reciting the complaints. I did not pay attention. That day I only wanted to say, not listen. After dinner Sandeep joined us again in conversation. Atayya started feeling restless.
“Sandeep! Now go and start studying. I will call you on the day before the exam.” I told him as if it was a prearranged deal so that she would follow my hint.
“Good night annayya and vadina, good night.” He went to his room to study. He looked at me while closing the doors too. I conveyed confidence to him through my smile.
I felt relief at the expression of peace on his face.
**** **** ****