That day when I came back from the institute I found my father waiting for me in the basement. I jumped up to him in one step. “When did you come, nanna?”
“I came at 10:30 this morning. They told me you will be back by 2. So I came back now. We took the lift and I leaned on his shoulder throughout. When did you come to Hyderabad, nanna?” I asked.
“This morning, I had some office work. So…”
“Where are you staying?” I asked as I noticed he was not carrying any luggage.
“Some colleagues have also come with me. So we all checked-in to a hotel.”
“Is that so or you thought you should not stay in a daughter’s house?”
“Oh, my little daughter is now grown up!” he laughed and I joined him in his laughter.
I quickly put the pressure cooker on the stove and made the lady-finger fry that he always liked so much.
What I had cooked for myself earlier was anyway there. We had our lunch, Nanna complimented me on my cooking. I imitated my mother and said, “If your daughter cooks something, you will anyway like it, big deal!” Nanna burst out laughing.
“Your amma thinks of you all the time. She wanted to come too. I stopped her as I was coming on office duty. Avinash and you must come when you get leave. I spoke to Avinash in the morning. He insisted that I should come home. He also insisted that I should stay till he comes back in the evening. But I have a meeting in the evening and I have to leave for Vijayawada tonight. It is a tight schedule” my father kept talking to me and I felt very sad. “You could have planned to stay for a couple of days, no?”
“Next time I will surely come and bring your mother too. Or you two can come,” he said
He left in the evening. I lived for twenty-three years with people who have now become almost strangers to me. I realized how the lives of girls are dictated by the rules that make them slaves to the system.
Avinash asked as soon as he came home, “Did uncle come?” I said that he did. “I tried to come at least for one hour in the afternoon. But I am sorry I could not at all find time” he apologized.
“It is okay! “ I felt happy that at least he felt he should express his regret.
**** **** ****
It was the day of Sandeep’s entrance exam. Avinash and I wished him on phone.
“Are you in good spirits?” I said sensing his tension. “I am okay!” he said.
“Don’t feel any tension!” I counselled him.
“I don’t have any. Only amma has 170/110” Sandeep said. I did not understand. “Her blood pressure- 170/110! She is very tense since morning. If I have any tension it is for her health, nothing else.” he said in a detached manner.
“It doesn’t matter! It must be due to a bit of anxiety. Even I feel some.” Avinash snatched the phone from my hand, “All that is none of your business. Don’t think of anything other than your subject. Be relaxed! You should remember everything that you have studied one by one,” he tried to give hypnotic suggestions to his brother.
My parents-in-law took him to the exam centre and brought him back after the exam.
The next day newspapers highlighted the anxiety of the parents more than that of the candidates. This is like mass hysteria, I thought in irritation. After he came out my parents-in-law asked Sandeep how he performed, he said he wrote okay. For this reply he had to hear a lecture from his parents.
He was not allowed to take rest even for two days. He was just given permission to watch TV for one night. That’s all! Next day onwards his preparation for national level test started. But they had high hopes on EAMCET.
**** **** ****
EAMCET results were out in record time, within fifteen days of the exam. They were scheduled to be released at four that evening. They were on the net. Avinash told me that he would try on the net and he told me to check the result at home. I came back from the institute, had lunch and went to their house. My mother-in-law was waiting eagerly and told me to open the net. I saw the time, there were fifteen minutes more. I asked for Sandeep. They told me he had gone to the coaching class and would be back by 5:30.
I sat in front the computer and opened the net. The results were yet to be uploaded on the websites. Suddenly, at four o’clock all the internet connections got jammed. Millions of people must be trying anxiously to see their results. I could not see the result at all. Avinash didn’t get it either. I told him I will call as soon as I get it. Then my father-in-law called. Friends and relatives also started calling. Attayya got so distressed she put the phone off the hook.
We got it at 5 in the evening. I scrolled down the screen looking for Sandeep’s number. I started sweating heavily. I can imagine attayya’s state. “What is the rank?” she asked shaking my shoulder vigorously
“I am trying. I think it is only an average rank. Give me the number I will verify it again.” Same number, same rank! “What is the rank!” she asked sweating profusely.
“His rank is fourteen thousand one hundred and forty two!” I told her bowing my head. She left my shoulders that she was holding tightly; took two steps backwards as if she heard something untoward. Both Sandeep and uncle who had just entered the hall too heard me. They stood stock-still for ten seconds, like painted pictures.
Attayya went to her room and closed the door. Uncle looked at Sandeep with contempt and told me, “All these days I neglected my work and went with him everywhere. Without that job how can I earn my livelihood? I will go to office and do my actual duty. Just take care of your attayya”
We were left alone in the hall. “Did I ever ask him to go with me everywhere leaving his office?” Sandeep asked angrily.
“Okay, Sandeep they may say all these things now out of frustration. Don’t worry about all that. I replaced the receiver on the hook as Avinash would also be worrying about the result. Sure enough, Avinash called. I told him. There was silence for one minute. “He is nowhere near any rank. Is he studying at all? Or just enjoying life?” His voice was quivering in anger.
I did not say anything. “How is amma?”
‘She is upset!”
“Where is she? Call her to the phone.”
“I think she is sleeping. Her door is closed.”
“Okay, don’t leave her alone. Stay with her. She cannot stand this shock. She had so many hopes on him. Rascal! He simply destroyed all that.” He was gasping in anger.
If you heard his words you would think Sandeep had committed a huge crime. What did he do? What kind of shock had he given her? I was also very angry seeing everyone’s insensitivity, but controlled myself.
I looked at Sandeep. He was still standing leaning against the wall with his hands folded.
“Okay, I will put the phone down.” I walked towards her room. I knocked on her door. There was no response. I knocked louder; I called out to her “Attayya! Please open the door!”
Sandeep looked at me and the door with wide open eyes. I got scared. What is she doing inside?
I called out to her again, loudly asking her to open the door. Sandeep came and stood by my side. “Amma, Open the door!” His voice was breaking with tears in it. I felt pity for him and tension for her.
“Amma! Please, Open the door. I am getting scared. Please amma! Sorry! I will study well this time. Please open the door.”
For the last time I called her again. Since it was an AC room all the doors and windows were closed. I moved towards the phone to call Avinash. Suddenly the doors opened. She looked furious.
She started slapping Sandeep left and right on his cheeks. “How can you even continue to live? Are you not ashamed to stand before me with this rank? Had you died when you were born it would have been better. I would have reconciled that I have only one son. How many times you misled us and scored this deplorable rank? You wanted to take long term coaching and improve on your last year’s rank. How can I show my face to any one now?”
I intervened in her tirade, “Attayya, Please stop it now. There is no point in feeling bad, for what’s over!” I said.
How can I not feel bad about it? I felt so happy that my first son had become an IIT engineer and the younger one will be a doctor. Now it is all the same to have this son or not. Don’t show your face to me. Don’t worry about me. My life is quite strong. Go and do whatever you want”
Listening to her words all the nerves on his face seemed to tighten. Sandeep was seething within, it showed on his face. His fists clenched, jaws rigid he was looking at me. I could sense that he was controlling himself by drawing strength from my presence, knowing my affection for him.
Every mother loves her children. It is a natural emotion. What is this devil which has totally overshadowed this natural maternal instinct for care and affection? It is globalization that is driving people to earn more and more money and ruthlessly aspire to reach the pinnacle. It is actually driving people to totally forget natural human affections.
Can she not understand that she is breaking his heart? How can I rescue Sandeep from this onslaught? I took her hand and led her into the bedroom.
“Attayya! He has to write two – three more exams, please”
“I don’t have any confidence that he can do it!” she declared with contempt.
“It does not matter! We will pay donation and send him for higher studies.”
“Where can we get thirty-forty lakhs now? Avinash started working recently. We sold all our property in the village and got a transfer for your mamayya and came here. I left my teacher’s job for their studies. In return this is how he cheats us!” she said angrily
How can you impose all your hopes and ambitions on them and blame them for the failure? I did not argue with her. I told her to take rest and asked the maid to be with her and came into the kitchen. Sandeep also came in and sat on a stool. “Are you feeling bad?” I asked Sandeep taking the vegetables out of the fridge.
“About what?” he asked me.
“That you did not get a rank.”
“No, I told you early on, I would not get it. Why worry about it now? My worry is only for amma and nanna. Why aren’t they able to understand me? It is just that they have no love for me. They can’t even respect me. You saw how amma hit me? Don’t you think it is wrong? Why should I be subjected to this torture? What is my fault? Don’t I have the right to study what I want?” His words only had questions! Is there one wise man in our society who can answer them?”
“What am I going to do from tomorrow?” He asked in puzzlement.
“Just don’t worry till you finish the other exams.”
“It is all a waste! Vadina, I tell you I won’t get it! I just don’t like the medicine field. I am not talking about good, bad or earning more money or anything like that. I am talking about interest and of the happiness one should feel while studying. How is it that nobody wants to bother about it?”he complained bitterly.
“Okay, first finish those exams too. I will talk to your parents and your brother.” I assured him.
As soon as I finished cooking, I forced him to eat first as I felt if he ate with everyone else, someone or the other might start scolding him.
Mamayya entered while he was having his dinner. He got so angry that his eyes turned red. In an unexpected gesture he grabbed Sandeep’s collar and pulled him out of the chair, “How can you eat food? Everyone outside keeps asking me what is your rank and I cannot raise my head outside for shame. And you eat plate after plate of food. Don’t you feel ashamed?” He took out his belt and started hitting him with the belt. I started crying. I went to save Sandeep “Mamayya, please don’t beat him. I was the one who forced him to eat even when he refused. Please leave him.” I begged.
Sandeep was shielding himself from the belt. In the meantime attayya came out and told me,” You don’t interfere. Don’t you know that one should not interfere when parents discipline their children?” She shouted at me. I ran into Sandeep’s room.
I could see everything from there. Mamayya got tired out beating. Atayya got tired of screaming at him, Sandeep stood straight and tall after taking all the beating. His hair was dishevelled, his cheeks carried the scars of his father’s fingers. His hand was bleeding due to the deep belt marks.
He was like a volcano about to explode. I got so scared that a shiver ran down my spine. I had never been hit in my life. People – my parents and teachers – had always pampered me as I was a good student. I never saw people beating each other till then.
Here they were beating a son who is as tall as them, my head started reeling.
I called out to Sandeep from the room. He came into the room stamping his feet, walked restlessly around. Suddenly, he hit the table with his fist with all his strength. Crack! The plank broke into two. The books, pens and paper weight, scattered all over the room. He kept hitting the wall in wild fury.
I ran to hold his hand. It was bleeding. “I don’t think any of you is human!” I said gritting my teeth.
“Yes, I am an animal. That is why they whipped me like cattle. But this is the last time for them. Now if any one lifts a hand to beat me I won’t keep quiet. Sure, till now I respected them and loved them as they are my parents. But they don’t love me. No one loves me. I am a useless fellow.” He started saying wretchedly.
“Deepu, Don’t say all these things. The anger of parents is very short lived. Just think! All this suffering is for your sake, because they love you”
“No, it’s for their own sakes!” he said in anger. I was shocked.
“Yes, if sons earn a lot of money, they can maintain cars and bungalows. They want to get recognised as rich people with their sons’ earnings. What they could not achieve, they want to get through us,” he continued.
“No, you are wrong!”
“No what I say is right. If they don’t have any such ambition they could have allowed me to study what I want. I told them too. I will not depend on them for my support once my studies are over. I will look for a suitable job and support myself. Now I am beginning to think. Today, children are the best investment for parents. Yes, the investment they put on me is not a waste if I succeed. We will earn hundred times more and give them good profit. That is their plan…”
“Okay, this is not the age for you to think of all these things, neither is it the time! Go and sleep.”
“I don’t want to go on like this. I must do something,” he said impatiently.
“Don’t think now. Keep your peace of mind. Everything will be okay!”
“At this rate, I cannot stay in this house. It is not possible for me. I must go away somewhere.” He said obstinately.
“Don’t talk rubbish! Go and sleep” he lay down on his bed and started looking at the ceiling. I did not know how to console him.
“I don’t know how God made us such good friends but you must believe that I always think about you. My affection is beyond these studies and the career and all. So you should never do anything that makes me unhappy. You must tell me every step you take” he nodded his head.
“Anyone can laugh when one is happy. But one who laughs when he is unhappy is the real genius.” I recited a film dialogue and Sandeep smiled. I served dinner to my in-laws and then had my dinner. Avinash came late and they did not talk to each other. Avinash looked very serious and preoccupied. He did not mention Sandeep at all.
As we returned home I told him “Sandeep is very disturbed. Call him home once and console him” I suggested. He did not question or say anything for that matter, just nodded his head.
Next day till evening I was busy on various errands and could not call Sandeep. In the evening we had to attend the marriage reception of Avinash’s colleague. By the time we came home, it was 10:30 in the night. The phone was ringing as we entered the house. As he was feeling restless he told me to pick it up and walked into the bedroom. He lay on his bed after switching on the AC.
The phone got disconnected as soon as I picked it up. But it rang again almost immediately.
“Hello, who is this?” I asked. There was silence at the other end. I could hear a lot of noise in the background. I said ‘hello’ again loudly.
“Vadina, it is Sandeep!”
“You? At this time? Are you at home?” I asked anxiously.
“No, I am calling from the railway station.” He said coolly.
“Railway station? Where are you going?”
“I don’t know!”
“What do you mean, you don’t know! Who is with you?” I asked agitatedly.
There was a sound of heavy breathing sound from the other side “I am leaving the house for good”
“My God! Sandeep! Are you mad? Tell me where are you? Your brother and I will come.
“No use vadina, I told you I will not keep quiet if they beat me again. Non-stop abuses since yesterday and beatings too. Don’t I look like a human being to them anymore? I think it is better to die than face all this torture. Why can’t any one understand? I want to live alone happily and laugh to my heart’s content. I want to breathe on my own. I can’t have all these things here. They will either kill me or drive me to killing myself. I can’t stay in this house. That is why I want to leave.” He was crying and talking at the same time.
I shivered when I heard his words. “Deepu, please don’t talk like that! If you can’t live there come and live with me. I will look after you. I will see that you get the course of your choice. I am there for you. Please believe me. Don’t you believe me? Just forget whatever has happened, for my sake. Nobody will beat you now.” I promised him.
“It is not in your hand” he said despondently.
“No, you are like my own child. I will fight for you with anyone in the world. If you walk out of the house what will happen to your parents? Have you thought about it?”
“Nothing will happen. They will think they have only one son,” he said angrily.
“They just want to create some sense of challenge in you. That’s all! They can’t hate you. Leave it. Come for my sake,” I pleaded.
“Since I have affection for you and you told me to tell you whatever step I decide to take, I called you now.”
“Okay, I believe you. Again for my sake, come home. Listen to me this once and I will see that no one will beat you. Don’t go to your home if you don’t want to. Stay here. You can join B.Com.” I made so many wild promises so that he would not leave home.
“Can you really do all that?” There was a small flicker of hope in his voice.
“Sure, everything will be done according to your wishes. Don’t go anywhere now. Your brother and I are coming there. Stay there.”
“No, you need not come; I will take an auto and come there.” I gave him many precautions and told him to hurry home.
Avinash came out of the bedroom talking on his cellphone. ‘It seems Sandeep is missing,’ he said with worry. I briefly told him the whole story. Sandeep would come home soon and told my in-laws not to worry. I also told them not to come in the middle of the night and let him stay with us for a week. But they did not listen. Both of them were in our house immediately.
Avinash was walking up and down restlessly in the hall. Both my parents-in-law were livid with anger. At least now I hoped they would show him some affection. I told them about his psychological condition and requested them not to give him any pressure, scold him or beat him and allow him to stay with us for at least one week. The three of them did not respond. They just listened to my request and kept quiet. One hour! “Do you think he will come? We did not lodge a police complaint as we believed your words. If we act quickly and alert them they will catch him before he leaves the town. If he gets a good thrashing there, he will come round easily.” As Avinash looked at me questioningly, I was shocked.
Sandeep came home at 12:30 in the night. His face was haggard and he was taken aback seeing his parents there.
He looked at me with mistrust. I reassured him with my eyes. “Come, Sandeep, and sit here” I called him to my side before they had time to react. My parents-in-law were looking at me in irritation. What would they have done if I was not there? “Ask him what he wants!” Mamayya instructed Avinash.
“Sandeep is tired. You are also worried. Mamayya, why don’t you just sleep now? We can talk tomorrow.” I said.
“No Ramya, it is better for everyone to resolve this issue now.”
I was about to say something, but Sandeep stopped me, saying, “I already told all of you about my decision. I am not interested in studying medicine. It is a waste to appear for entrance exams. I won’t take any more exams.”
All three of them were shocked at his bold statement. They were all trying hard to control their temper. “What do you want to do then?”
“I want to join B.Com…” he did not complete his sentence; Avinash got up angrily and picking him up from the sofa, started kicking him wildly with both his legs. His parents simply watched the scene, silently.
“Go beg and eat! That will serve you right.” He shouted. Attayya and Mamayya watched in some satisfaction as Avinash went on kicking him.
I was shocked at the unexpected turn of events. I rushed to Avinash,pleading, “Please leave him.” I could not take the manner in which they were simply establishing their right over him, just because he was a member of their family; and how they were deceiving themselves that it was all for his good and his career. More than anything else I could not stand the look Sandeep was giving me.
“So far we ignored it, thinking it is all because of your immaturity. Now if we lock you up and starve you for two days, you will come round. Let’s go,” said Mamayya.
Attayya* stood up. They were taking Sandeep with them. I was totally confused. I told them about his psychological state before he came here. They just did not seem to care, I thought to myself.
“Let him stay here for one week” I begged, picking up courage. “No, you cannot control him,” he said.
“No, I will see that he studies. First let him recover his cool, then we will think of his studies” I said firmly.
Avinash reacted angrily, “What is this Ramya, You’re being very foolish! Don’t you understand?”
“No I promised him that I will keep him with me and take care of his studies.”
“What does that mean?” Avinash said knitting his eyebrows.
“He doesn’t want to go home. This is also his house. Let him stay here.” I insisted.
Sandeep refused to look at me. As I begged him, he stood looking the other way. Attayya had tears in her eyes. “He is my own flesh, Ramya…” Avinash shouted at me as he saw tears in his mother’s eyes. He raised his hand, “You came to this house just the other day. You think you have more responsibility and more affection than his parents. Do you know what you are saying?”
I looked at his raised hand and angry face in utter disbelief. Attayya shouted at him “Avinash, what are you doing? Put your hand down. You can’t lift it on a girl.”
I was shocked. Differences are common in every family. For this how can he lift a hand at me, his wife?
“Come let’s go home,” they pushed Sandeep forward. He followed them like a sacrificial animal. Before he left he pointed his finger at me and said, “You trapped me into coming here with your lies. You are all in this together. I will never talk to you again. I won’t ever believe you. You are not my friend.”
Every word of his pierced my heart like an arrow.
**** **** ****