After that incident I kept my distance from Avinash. He apologized to me the next day itself. But I was angry. Sandeep’s issue was like an arrow slashing my heart. Preoccupied with this, I did not realize that I missed my period. After one week I thought of it and went to get the test done. Pregnancy colour test result was positive. I felt happy.
We are going to have a tiny baby in our midst. She will put a noose through his nose and make Avinash dance to her tunes. He has to listen to all her demands. I rehearsed many times preparing to break this news to him. I kept thinking how he would react and how happy he would feel; the thought itself was so exciting.
When he came home, I took extra care to be for him and talked to him happily forgetting my anger. “Why is madam so happy today?” he asked.
“Guess!” I tried to excite him.
“Was there a phone call from your parents?”
“No!”
“Are they coming?”
“Yes, coming! But not my parents!”
“Who else? Who could be coming that can make you so happy?”
I started enjoying his predicament.
“No, I can’t guess!”
“Okay, listen! Sri Avinash, the king of this household is going to be visited by a little princess with a cane as he hasn’t been listening to his queen Ramya Devi.”
He looked as if he did not understand. “In another seven months!” I told him. The light had gone out of his eyes. He became very serious.
“How is it possible? We have not even planned our careers. What is the hurry?” he said in a disappointed tone. All my excitement vanished in a second.
“Why should we link career to this? We have to eventually have children.” I asked him.
“Yes, we shall have them. But there is a time for everything. You have not even started earning.” He said in an accusing tone. Instead of feeling happy at the news he was talking like this, all these accusations, I was really angry at his attitude.
“Go and consult a doctor and get the abortion done tomorrow,” he instructed firmly.
I started crying. “Don’t you have any sentiments for anything other than money?” He looked at me with a hurt look. “It is because I think of everything, I am telling you this. We should have all the facilities ready by the time we bring our children into this world.”
“Were we born or brought up like that?” I asked
“No, we faced so many problems. My parents had to sacrifice so much to give me this education. They sacrificed all their comforts. We have to plan, precisely because we should not suffer.”
“Whatever you say, abortion is wrong. I don’t have any such intention.” I said categorically.
He went into the house looking angrily at me. For two days we did not talk to each other. He tried to talk to me but I did not respond. “Okay, let’s tell my mother. We will do whatever she advises. I will have no problem then.” My stomach revolted again. Even if she says yes, I am the one who has to give birth to this baby. No one can stop me now.
After he heard what she said on the phone Avinash was convinced. According to her it is difficult to get maternity leave once I get a job. There will be a break in the career. During study time I can deliver the baby without much pressure. Afterwards the baby can be taken care of either by me or his mother. He came to me with a smile and said congratulations to me. Suddenly where did this affection come from, for his yet to be born baby? Can love spring according to plans and convenience? How sincere is this love? I can never forgive Avinash for this.
I found it difficult to balance household work and institute tasks. The morning sickness made me weak. He did not agree when I said I will apply for leave for a few days. He engaged a help so that I need not do any work at home. It was not actually out of any love for me. I know it was because he was afraid that I would stop going to the institute.
After the fourth month I reconciled myself to all these disappointments. The baby in me could be physically and psychologically healthy, only if I keep myself happy.
I went to meet attayya twice but could not meet Sandeep. Whenever I asked she used to say he was studying or he had gone to the coaching institute. Third time I wanted to see him somehow so I stayed till late in the night. Mamayya brought him along with him at about 9 in the night. He was looking very run down and tired. “How are you, Deepu?” He did not pay attention to me and turned his face away as soon as he saw me.
“Look at him! Please don’t mind. You were so affectionate and looked after him so well when you came to this house as a stranger. But he doesn’t think about all these things. For him, his stubbornness is important.” Attayya said feeling sorry.
“It is okay. I think he is restless. I went to his room to find out and tried patting his head, “Are you still angry with me?” He did not reply. He got up from the chair pushing my hand away and sat in another chair. I felt hurt, but was patient with him.
“Shall I give you some good news? You will shortly get another small friend and you will soon become an uncle. He looked at me with wide eyes and for some reason his face assumed an emotionless tough stance. He left me standing there and went to the bathroom taking his towel. Then I understood; his anger is too deep to penetrate my entreaties, only time will heal it.
**** **** ****
What I tried to avoid, what was my constant fear, what I warned every one about, happened. Sandeep ran away from home. The family’s reputation suffered with the police complaint and investigations. No one could eat for one week. At last we found out that Sandeep went to his grandparents’ house in the village. For the first five-six days he wandered aimlessly. Then he did not know what to do. He was too young to think or live independently. So finally he thought of his grandparents. He told them he would run away if he was forced to go back to Hyderabad. So they allowed him to stay in the village. His grandparents, Shakuntala and Bhaskar Rao, lived in a village near Vijayawada. Avinash’s mother was their only daughter. After she was married, they settled down to live on their own, in the village. Grandfather still occupied himself with agricultural work. When my in-laws heard that Sandeep refused to come home, “Let him stay there in that village kneading the earth, no one should take his name in this house” ordered Mamayya in anger.
Attayya cried for four days and had come to terms with the fact. Initially, they were worried whether he was dead or alive, but now that he was fine somewhere, they did not worry much. Gradually everyone forgot about Sandeep. Only Avinash’s grandparents tried to tell them of his wellbeing now and then but they never listened. Needless to say, Avinash used to flare up with the very mention of Sandeep’s name.
I often think of what they finally achieved? They could not hold their son for whose career they pressurised so much. They lost their place in his heart. For what did they do all this? They did not get the career for the son but lost the son. Their eyes were covered with the thick dust of the dreams of ranks, career, and money. They could not see any other value in their son. When would these parents change and realize that the children are driven to suicide, and are driven to run away from their homes? When would they change? How many more have to sacrifice their lives before the intellectuals of this country think rationally and provide some solution?
Fortunately Avinash crossed this stage. But my children…? They should not grow up like Sandeep. Definitely, there should be discipline, but it should not oppress them. They should blossom naturally like flowers. If you try and force them to flower they will fade and destroy themselves. I must bring them up carefully without any pressure. I thought firmly.
**** **** ****
I was fast approaching my full term. My mother said she would take me to Vizag for delivery. But Avinash did not agree. He told I would stay on in Hyderabad for the delivery and he had already spoken to the gynaecologist. My parents were hurt. I went to my mother’s house only once after marriage, that too with Avinash. My amma thought she could see me for three months at least on this pretext. She had to come here for my delivery. Attayya too wanted to come. But Avinash told her there was no need. “You lived with tensions all these years. At least be free now” he told them.
His salary had also risen to Rs. 85000 now. He would keep twenty-five thousand and give the rest to them. They were busy with a number of financial plans now-a-days. Since they had already bought a plot of land, they were planning to build a house investing twenty-five lakhs. Avinash had applied for a loan and the banks sanctioned it.
Life seemed to be going smoothly without any problem; still there was some restlessness in me. Some vague suffocating feeling – is this what good life means? In me, a kind of disinterest? Avinash is intelligent and he was earning well. Is this enough for a human being to be happy? What exactly is the yardstick for intelligence? What are the qualifications required for a good job? If people are proficient in their subjects can they be intelligent enough to live their lives?
Why all this? Take Avinash, he hurt me so many times from the day he married me. What happened to all that intelligence when it came to managing the family? Leave alone my life; he could not even help Sandeep with his problems. He was not given to worldly-wise smartness.
Just as I thought about him he also thought that I was lazy and did not care for my career. But I know I am not lazy. If we do things that satisfy us how can it be laziness? It is a waste of time to listen to music, to read novels, and to paint. Even to sit and talk pleasantly is a waste of time.
To think of money and career from the time we wake up to the time we go to bed, is beyond my comprehension. In fact, the happiness we get with the money we earn after going through so many tensions is nowhere comparable to that of the people who lead ordinary lives.
One should grow in life, true! But the definition of growth cannot be just earning money. We should grow in our values. Self confidence, respect for other’s views, time and space for our individual interests, and to try and help people in need of our support, will actually make us well-rounded persons in addition to our capacity to earn money. That is why whatever Avinash’s influence on my life be, I will have to take care to keep my own values. If possible I must change his view of life. But now, I feel he will change only when life teaches him tough lessons.
**** **** ****