It’s been two months since I came to this place. Our plans of building a school proceeded with good speed without excess pressure on us. I also thought of what grandfather’s suggestions when I met him first time. I thought of starting a factory to manufacture electronic spare parts. Being a large scale industry it would in fact provide employment to many people around here. I kept exploring all these possibilities.
That day I sent word to Sandeep to see me. But I came to know that he had gone out of town with grandfather. I met grandmother and she said she had no idea where they had gone. “It is very common for them. They must be having some work, getting some plans sanctioned. They often go together.” said grandmother. One week had gone by. They did not return, nor did they call. I felt bad that Sandeep who came everyday to enquire after my welfare did not come for one whole week. He could have rung me up. Was he so busy? Even my daughter must have missed him as she started asking for him every day. She never had any bonding like this with Avinash. Even though he cared for her, he never spent time with her. That’s why she did not miss him, in spite of not seeing him all these days.
She did ask once or twice. When I told her he was working in Hyderabad and could not get leave to come, she did not bother me again. But she asked for Sandeep and grandfather almost every day. They show their affection by spending time with her that is why she got so attached to them. All humans are like that… they crave for attention. The thread that binds our lives together depends on these bonds of affection.
These last two months Sandeep stood by me and helped me to stand on my own legs and choose my lifestyle. One need only have the will; age is no barrier, for people to help one another. Now that he had stopped coming I started worrying, but it is not a crippling worry that in any way distracted me from my work. While doing the duties I have to do I kept thinking of the place now Sandeep occupies in the lives of both me and my daughter. I never expected that he would stay without communicating with me for so many days. I did not take his cell phone number for the same reason. I sent Sarojini to grandmother and got his cell number but throughout the day his number was switched off. I got so frustrated that I decided not to think of him. Strangely I could manage to do it with the amount of work I undertook to forget the worry.
Till Sandeep came back and knocked on the gate one day I did not think about him. Sarojini started talking excitedly when she saw him. My daughter got up with the commotion and as soon as she saw him she went and stood away from him under the guava tree pouting in anger. I too imitated her by standing under the neem tree with an angry face.
Sandeep looked at both of us, smiled to himself shrugging his shoulders. He came to me first. “Yes, ma… why are you so serious?” lately he had started calling me ‘ma’. Keerthi looked at me with widened eyes, indicating I should not talk. Sandeep noticed it.
“Oh, the actual culprit is under the guava tree! Yes, my dear guava fruit, do you know what I brought for you?” he asked trying to excite her.
She was in a dilemma and looked at me to ask what she should do. It was now my turn to look seriously at her.
“It was such a nice gift! Okay if you don’t want, I won’t give it to you.” Sandeep turned as if to go.
“Wait, wait” she ran to him ignoring me totally. “Give!” she said.
“I am your gift!” Sandeep teased her. When she realised that he did not bring anything she ran after him with a stick. Sandeep took shelter behind me, entreating me to save him. After playing for a while he picked her up and said “Now all anger is closed”
“Why should it be closed? We will also hide from you for ten days. Then tell us this.” I said angrily.
“We did hide from each other for four and half years, was it not enough?” he asked me emotionally.
“Okay, now tell me where did you go?” I asked him anxiously with a heavy heart.
“We have got the sanction for the school building but there were many other formalities to be attended to. That was done in two days time. But tatayya had other plans. Without actually vitiating the atmosphere he wanted to involve other villages around us in our developmental activities. He felt we should all utilize the computer knowledge for growth. For this we need selfless software professionals who can come to our villages and work here. He said we should not come back without achieving the result. So we stayed back”
There was a sudden silence in my heart. The kind of trauma I had faced in my life due to my entry into the software industry suddenly came back to me.
“We know that we can’t find any one better than you. But grandfather does not want to impose on people something they basically do not want to do. So we did not discuss this with you. Also you are already shouldering so many responsibilities; to dump some more would be unfair. We may create stress for you. We thought of all this and took this decision.”
“No problem! Did you find someone? Whenever I can I will surely help whoever comes to work here.”
“Yes, we did get someone very knowledgeable. He agreed. That is what took us so long. When we told him about the aims of our village and our dreams he was really surprised. He wondered if such a village can ever exist. We told him to come and see it for himself. He came with us; he is staying with grandmother in their house. I will introduce him to you when he gets used to this atmosphere.” I just nodded my head.
“Now, is your anger gone?” he asked.
“Yes, it is gone! But hereafter don’t go away for days together like this without telling me!” I cautioned him. He nodded his head obediently.
**** **** ****
Fifteen days went by. The schedule was hectic and kept me very busy. We went door to door, talked to the parents to persuade them into sending the children to school; it was especially tough in the gudem, the colony of the underprivileged. They were not willing to educate their children beyond class five. They preferred putting them in some income generating job or the other.
We tried to tell them that it is criminal and against law to send children to work and they may might even go to jail for this offence. They will all have a trouble free life if they educate them. They would listen with hands cupping their cheeks in wonderment and send them for a day or two; but send them back to work again. We had to go after them repeatedly to achieve results and it was very tiresome.
With all this I did not get time to visit grandmother for a number of days. I went at ten in the morning one day to see her. All of them were busy making plans on various papers in the hall. There was one new member amongst them. I almost stepped back in hesitation, but suddenly stopped to look at the person. Broad shoulders and the side profile of the cheeks, with thick hair he was … he was… I could not believe my eyes and stood stock still.
Grandfather noticed me first. “Come inside! Sandeep must have told you. He is the new computer professional.” Introducing me, he told him, “She is the one who established our school here.” That introduction told us our limits. I wished him formally with folded hands, a namaste.
Avinash’s face paled when he saw me. He quietly lowered his head. I could not believe this. Is Avinash planning to leave his lucrative job and luxurious life to come to these villages and serve these people? Can anyone expect a babul tree to flower? I was somehow angry for no reason. I felt insulted and also could feel the net being cast to trap me and an attempt was being made to take away my freedom.
I sat as if sitting on thorns for a while. Avinash was not looking at me. He was explaining something to grandfather in a low voice. I looked at Sandeep in anger. He was trying to avoid my eyes with utmost concentration.
Both grandfather and grandmother were looking normal and casual.
“I will make a move,” I stood up suddenly. Avinash looked up once and went back to his work bending his head down. “Why don’t you eat and go?” grandmother said.
“No, Sarojini and I finished cooking at our own home.” I stressed our own a bit as if to give a signal. Avinash’s face darkened and I felt gratified.
I walked ahead. Sandeep was not even looking at me. I said loudly, “Sandeep, come and drop me at home.”
Sandeep got up and walked with me apprehensively. I did not say anything on the way. I asked him as soon as we entered the house, “What is this drama?”
“What drama, vadina?” He asked innocently.
“Don’t pretend, I don’t like it!” I said angrily.
“Okay ma! I understand your apprehensions. Avinash came here purely as a computer professional to liaison between our villages to achieve all-round growth through the medium of computers. He came here with the same intentions with which Ramya had come a few months ago.”
“Should I believe all this? You are all trying to trap me into going with him” I unwittingly used the same language that Sandeep used against me at one time. Both of us thought of that day at the same time.
Sandeep recovered faster at this allegation, “You are saying something just like that. Where would we send you and with whom? You may be thinking that, but the person you are thinking of, does not have any plans to take you away. He came to know of your presence here only a short while ago. So don’t entertain any such hopes.” He concluded.
“Hope?” I said in total contempt.
“If you don’t have any hopes on him, what makes you so angry? We get angry with someone only when we love the person, and then where there is love there is this right to get angry.”
When Sandeep was giving all these definitions I tried in a hundred ways not to show my anger.
“That’s good ma… don’t ever think of our computer professional again.” I tried to look at him angrily then I remembered his words and tried not to get angry. Again when I realised he was teasing me, I thought I should get angry. And I finally ended up feeling sad.
“I have a lot of work, Vadina, I will make a move. Be careful! Anyone can trap you! You must be strong!” I closed the door on his face, but his laughter reverberated in my ears for a long time.
**** **** ****
I stopped going to grandmother’s house, afraid that I would have to face him if I go there. Avinash’s coming here was in itself such a surprise, that I began to suspect his intentions. Would he stay just for a few days or be here for good? I was scared to ask Sandeep as I was afraid of his response.
Sarojini said in the middle of some conversation, “That babu also left a good job like you to come here to help this village.” From her words it was obvious that no one knew about our relationship. Nobody ever mentioned his name, even indirectly, in front me. It was better that no one knows about it, that way I could breathe free.
I also stopped sending my daughter to grandmother’s house. They would come to my house once in a while to meet us. They also never mentioned Avinash to me. Then I understood, if I don’t like it no one would raise the issue.
After I recovered from my initial unhappiness, I started wondering about a number of things. How did this change occur in his nature, whether it was true or some drama? how did my in-laws agree to his coming here and so many other questions. I was afraid to ask anyone as I was apprehensive of their reactions.
One day in our school some software was to be loaded in the systems. I came out of my room into the lab to do the job. Immediately the computer lab in charge came and stopped me saying, “Madam, there is someone who is assigned this task. He will come and do it.”
“Who is that?”
“Avinash Babu!”
“No need for that I can do it much better than him” I said
“It is not that, madam! We have a norm here. People should do only the tasks assigned to them. If you do his job he will feel bad about it. Even Sandeep babu would not keep quiet. Please madam, do not create a situation where they will end up scolding me”
I was irritated, “Do as you like! If it doesn’t turn out like I expected then I will take you to task.” I went back to my room. I saw Avinash coming in after about an hour, along with a number of other young men. Oh, now he had acquired a good fan-following too, I thought sarcastically. He went into the computer lab directly. How could he enter without my permission, I was angry. After half an hour the assistant came to ask me, “He wants to know when the software should be loaded.” I told him.
He came back within half an hour and said, “It seems there is a virus in some systems and also problems with the hardware.”
“But you called him to rectify all those things,” I said. He went back scratching his head in confusion. Avinash came after a while. “That system is totally dead. It is not a normal virus. So it may not work at all.”
“Let’s go and see” and we went into the lab.
“Does it mean you cannot repair the system?” I asked to test him. He looked at me in anger while standing before me all the while. I had created the virus and the anti-virus, hence I cleared the whole system in five minutes. Nobody else knew about this rivalry of ours. They did not even know such things can be done in computers. They only saw that Avinash could not fix a problem even after struggling for one hour and I could do it in five minutes. Then I said to the in-charge “Is it okay Mr. In-charge, your rules that people should only do the work allotted to them, I had to intervene as he could not do it. What would Sandeep say now, I don’t know!” They turned so pale that I am sure there would not be a drop of blood even if their faces were sliced with a sword. Avinash walked out in anger and my heart experienced a strange comfort. I had never so far raised my voice nor did I ever behave rudely with anyone. My behaviour must have appeared strange to them all. But my sense of judiciousness was overpowered by this senseless anger. Even after I reached home that day, this incident and myself doubt about my behaviour haunted me. How fair was it to behave like that just to humiliate Avinash.
Sandeep came for dinner that night. I felt guilty. Did Avinash tell him about this incident? Sandeep would not dare to question me now. He told me not to bother already.
“Uncle, why are you not taking me to tatayya’s house these days?” Keerthi asked him. “Ask your mummy!” Sandeep promptly replied.
“Why, the play here is not enough?” I asked her in slight anger.
I also felt bad that her movements had to be restricted because of Avinash. I was constantly telling her to go here and not go there. That was the impact of my problems on her life. I did not know how to avoid this. I kept looking at her in distress. Sandeep noticed it too. He sent me a signal and said, “I will take her there for play when he is not around.” I simply nodded my head in response. After she went there once or twice, I would observe her as soon as she was back. I constantly expected her to tell me that she met her father. But nothing of that sort happened. How long can we hide it from her? One day we would have to allow her to meet him. Then how would we answer her questions?
Sandeep knew all these problems would crop up, still he brought Avinash here. Grandfather must have known this. Why did they stay so long in Hyderabad and bring him to the village? Something must have happened, otherwise Avinash was not the kind of person who would take this step on his own. I was so tense with all these questions that I sent for Sandeep. “I must know the truth, Sandeep,” I asked as soon as he entered the room.
“Truth about what?”
“About Avinash coming here! It is not in his nature. He values money and career. How can I believe he came here without any other intention?”
“Why, ma? Don’t you think that people change with circumstances? How do you know it was not my annayya’s nature? He must have got all that because of the values that were imposed on him since his childhood.” He said clearly.
I did not know how to react to his answer. “Look, all these days for almost a month I avoided your questions by turning them into tamasha, a joke. I know I must answer you one day. I must tell you many things. For I must make sure you can listen patiently to all that I have to say and bear it patiently. After hearing it all, you should not start developing hatred again. You must promise me that. Also think of your daughter. It is the right of the child to get the love of both the parents. We must not torture people with words when they make mistakes, but try to understand them.” He paused and I nodded my head.
“When you refused to go with annayya and stayed back in your mother’s house, it seems annayya was very disturbed. He totally stopped coming home and started spending all his time with friends in bars and pubs. Once, he tried a new cocktail which reacted violently on his stomach and he suffered due to it. Since he was not addicted to drinking yet, that actually helped him develop an aversion to drinking. That gave him extra troubles. Earlier he used to forget himself in drinks now he was surrounded by a sense of loneliness.
“On one hand personal problems, on the other hand insults in professional life, and lack of emotional support from anyone around him made him lose his balance. He also had problems with my parents.”
“With them?…” I asked in surprise.
“Since he was not paying the bank loans my father cancelled all the fixed deposits. Annayya got angry as he was not consulted before. My father also spoke to him contemptuously as he was demoted in his job. Annayya spoke very harshly to him and mom started crying… Dad started shouting! Every day there was some fight or the other. His professional life deteriorated further. He was given memos two-three times and then they asked him to look for another job.”
“And he stayed there in that company till he was humiliated to that extent?” I was further surprised.
Still I did not feel any sympathy for him. All these troubles were caused because of his ego and his bad thinking.
“Yes, many people in other good and big companies knew about annayya. He was considered as an ‘intelligent fool’ in those circles. As his applications to other companies got rejected he tried hard to stay there. That actually gave the company a chance to ill-treat him further. They sent a show-cause notice asking him to say why he should not be terminated from his job as he had lost all his sense of self confidence. He quit his job then and tried for other smaller companies. Within one week, staying at home drove him mad.
He joined a small company. He had some difference of opinion with his new boss and then a quarrel followed. The boss insulted him citing his personal failures. Annayya got so angry that he roughly collared him. There were many witnesses in the office to this fight. When the police complaint was given, he was held guilty, taken to the police station, and kept in lock-up for two days.”
“My God!” I was shocked.
“We went to Hyderabad because we came to know of it. As it was not a major crime grandfather talked to his boss and made him agree to a compromise. This was a major shock for annayya and he could not stand it. As soon as he saw my grandfather he totally broke down. Pointing to himself with his finger he told him, ‘this fellow who was an IIT ranker, who was an intelligent person, is now a useless fellow! Nobody wants him!’ he started shedding tears.”
“Grandfather counselled him as best as he could. At last he told grandfather ‘now I will do whatever you tell me to do.’ Actually annayya is going through a depression. We have to give him strength and courage.” said Sandeep looking at me meaningfully.
“Why should I do all that now? Did he show any concern for me when I was facing my own depression?” I said emotionlessly.
”You know there will be no imposition of any kind here. Annayya keeps asking about you, but is scared to come and talk to you.” said Sandeep.
“Yes, he made a mistake after all. Let him completely realise that. He should change so much that his old nature should not visit him again. Let him change! Life is quite long! It is a chain of events where no one knows what happens next!” I said in a detached way.
Sandeep looked at me strangely, “This philosophy is not good! You be normal like always. Annayya is also an individual like you, who is trying to work for the good of this village. Just look at him like that! Then you will not feel sad. Nothing will happen against your will. Only don’t say anything negative about annayya to your daughter. That tender heart should not be subjected to any fear and insecurity!”
I nodded in agreement.
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